*tap tap tap* Is this thing on? Mic check 1...check 2...

Many (one) of you have been wondering when I would post my next blog.  It has been a long time, I'll admit, but I can't say that much has happened. I can, however, tell you what has NOT happened.  I'm not dating, engaged, pregnant, studying, changing a tire (yet), or hitting on the nearest waiter (yet).  I'm sitting in my clean, vacuumed room.

I am in Nirvana.

Sometimes I just stop whatever I'm doing, gaze directly ahead of me, and think...THIS moment is perfect.  I am finished with my first semester at THE UNIVERSITY OF DAYTON (top 10 Catholic University in the nation) and I'm watching the A's roll in.  I worked out for an hour...10 minutes of which consisted of this MASSIVE man hitting on me.  By massive, I mean very muscular (he asked me what I was training for because of my strength...which...that's kind of running a risk because not every woman would see that as a compliment, but I did...but I digress).  As I sit and gaze, ghosts of goals past visit me in the hour allotted and I find that they have been met...checked off...completed...finished...taken out to the back 40 and put out of their misery.  I'm where I wanted to be only MORESO because I would not have thought my path would lead me here.  It's like when you climb a mountain...you like the view from the ground, but when you climb and expect to see what you do on the ground, you are happily surprised to see that the view is SO much better than you would have expected it to be.  All the grasping for edges of rock, scraping, dehydration synthesis (I threw that in for those biologists out there), work, work, and more work...suddenly seems to be coming to fruition and you actually see that there is progress.

The view is breath taking...AND I'M NOT EVEN DONE YET!

Sorry to yell, but this is exciting news for me...and it should bring hope to women everywhere.  If YOU felt as if you had hit the mother lode of happiness, wouldn't YOU yell?  I think you would.  This doesn't mean that I don't have my off days...trust me when I say...I have plenty.  But for today, I'm going to let all those endorphins built up at the gym...and the fact that I don't have to study...work for me while I sit and ponder this perfect moment.

I have arrived!

So I will share a few things on my mind which are making this moment possible:
*Wonderful friends who listen to me whine...
*A clean room...undefiled by man
*Most of the bills paid
*My cat Snake...it'll be just me and him in 7 years...I'm buying a Harley and we're going to tour America
*The fact that I have a "balance apparatus" in my garage...and intend on using it to the fullest
*Wonderful friends who listen to me whine...
*Health and strength (insert inappropriate comment here)
*Healthy, happy, and smart children
*Endorphins
*Eggs from cage-free chickens
*A day where I can do anything I want to...unhindered...without guilt or malice...undefiled by man
*Monster energy drinks
*Wonderful friends who listen to me whine
*The Buddha
*My Savior for accepting the challenge of ME...He's a brave man for sure


...just to name a few and not in any particular order.  Quite a list, huh?  And I'm not even done...but I will let that suffice.  Let's just sum up by saying that amid what feels to be chaos and frenzy, there are moments of peace, joy, and happiness.  I'm sure I'll regret writing this, because I'll have 'one of those days' and peace, joy,, and happiness will go out the window, but for now Nirvana is a great place to be and I'm hoping to be here for a long time.  At least until the kids get home.

I am a fighter.

The whole point of this blog was to help other women on their path to finding out who they are and being the best ____(fill in your name here)____ that you can be.

The Buddha got me sidetracked.

It's not a blog to say women are soooooo much better then men or to say I can live without them or anything like that; I'm not a man-basher.  Women and men (when paired right) compliment each other; they are a team.  'Divide and conquer', 'It takes two', 'Let's get together', 'I love you, you love me', 'Good cop, bad cop'.  It wasn't just Adam in the Garden...it wasn't just Eve.  It was Adam and Eve.  That being said, let me just say that sometimes I think we have to set ourselves away from the opposite sex in order to grow and be the best ____(fill in what you want to be here)___ that you can be.  That's where I am right now.  As much as I don't like it, there is wisdom in this moratorium.  During this alone time with myself, I have grown, stretched, torn, broken, healed, endured well, endured badly, won, lost, achieved, triumphed, bruised, bled, scarred, loved, hated, laughed, wept, and wept some more.  

I'm tired.

So, go ahead and ask me what I've gained from this.

"Hey, Esther, what have you gained from this?"

Excellent question...thank you for asking!

I have listed a few items of which I have gained and put in bullet form:

• Bob Marley can help with algebra.  The man has a serious ability to calm the savage beast and make everything O.K.  Not sure if it's the second-hand pot smoke, but whatever makes Bob Marley work his magic, I'm not going to question it.
• There are 3 things in life you cannot avoid: death, taxes, and gravity. 
• No matter what other people might say or think, the only opinion that really matters is the cat's.  You don't have to be an animal lover to appreciate when a cat comes up and rubs up against your leg to signify acceptance.  When our cat Snake jumps up on my bed to lay down, I feel as if I have arrived to some special status.  When that happens, I don't ask why...I take it and run.
• Chocolate can heal broken legs.  Well...I have yet to test this one, but my hypothesis is that...in large doses...chocolate can act as osteoblasts and repair damaged bones.  I'm still waiting for approval on this study.
• The Rock is, by far, the most beautiful human being that has ever lived, is living, or will ever live.
• You don't have to be drunk to have a hangover.  There are many types of hangovers.  The 'cry-yourself-to-sleep' hangover or the 'study-until-4 o'clock-in-the-morning-and-have-to-wake-up-at-6 o'clock' hangover.  There is also the 'wake-up-just-a-little-early-so-decided-to-go-back-to-sleep-for-10 minutes-but-slept-too-long-and-now-you-are-rushing-around-trying-to-get-your-bag-together-or-you'll-be-late' hangover.  Just to name a few.

There are so many other things that I've learned, but those illustrate the most important points.  I'll summarize by saying that I would never say that I've absolutely LOVED the journey.  There were (are) times in which I want to pack it all up...sell the house...and buy a Harley for the cat and me; however, I look in the mirror with reflection (no pun intended), and realize that this journey has helped make me who I am today.  Every step I take uphill makes me stronger.  Every barrier overcome increases my desire to overcome even more barriers.  Confidence explodes and self-worth increases exponentially.  It makes me wonder how high the ceiling is on this growth.  I plan on maxing out.

I have a date...with the Buddha...

Yes...it's official.  The Buddha and I have been seeing each other on a regular basis for the past 2 weeks.  My parents don't know yet, but I'm sure they'll get used to the idea.  We have been sneaking around primarily because he is so famous and we haven't told his family yet either.  We don't want them to find out through the media.  That's just not nice.

Actually...I wonder how compatible he and I are for real.  I'm fairly (really) type A, and he's GOT to be type B...him being so laid back and all.  Would all of his meditating drive me bananas?  Would I feel like he's wasting time on his long meditation walks when the dishes need to be done?  What would happen during ANOTHER flea infestation in my house (because it happens every 3 years)?  Would he allow me to use the flea bombs to send those annoying creatures to their next level of Samsara?  These are questions every couple should ask themselves before taking the big plunge into matrimony.

I hope he doesn't bring up the question of more children...

So, yeah...our personality types are clearly opposite, but I think we could make it work.  Some say opposites attract.  It would take a guy like the Buddha to really tone me down.  Sometimes I get so worked up about things that I think..."Gosh, self, wouldn't it be nice just to have someone around to merely lean on and hold me still for one minute...ONE MINUTE...then I'd be ok".  He would be the ULTIMATE guy for that.  Full of peace and good karma...I'm finding that pretty sexy these days.

Wonder if he plays racquetball...?

I'm fairly certain we'd be compatible with the things we eat...only...I will NOT...under ANY circumstances...go vegetarian.  Nooooooooo way.  I hope that's not a deal breaker.  I can hear our conversation now...
"Dear...are you going to EAT that?"
"Hun...ummm...yes.  I love chicken."
"Dear...that could be my great-great-great grandmother."
"Hun...we talked about this.  I need meat."
"Dear...it has a soul.  That's bad karma you're bringing into our home."
"Hun...you know what bad karma is?  It's you leaving the toilet seat up."
"DEAR...dear...you know as well as I do that I always forget to put it down.  Is it REALLY that tough to put it down for me?"
"HUN...there are a few things I just cannot stand and leaving the toilet lid up is one of them."
"Dear...don't try to change the subject.  The original disagreement is about you eating people."
"Hun...I'm not eating a person...I'm eating chicken."

Then we end up agreeing to disagree.  'Cause really...who is going to give up on that one?  I just hope he understands that I come as a carnivore...take me or leave me.

I can let him leaving the toilet seat up slide.

So...to sum up...I'm pretty open to someone who is not just like me.  In fact, I think it would be very beneficial to find someone who is the extreme opposite.  Someone who will pull me aside from a day that I've had today and just say..."Hold still and calm down.  I'm here and nothing else matters".  And when he DOES hold me, I can actually feel his calmness and peace flood into me.  I don't want anyone for their money.  I will make my own living.  I don't want anyone to save me.  Everyday I pull myself out of the proverbial gutter and manage to get done what I need to; I am not looking for a knight in shining armor.  What I want is to have someone by my side who is strong enough to catch me when I'm falling, yet gentle enough to NOT smother me and choke who I am.

I want the Buddha.

HaPpY bIrThDaY tO ME...?

Every birthday I look back at the past year and try to see if I had made any progress in one form or another.  This year is special because it marks the end of one decade and the beginning of another.  I spent half of my 39th year looking upon this date with impending doom feeling as if this were the end of my life and to brace myself for the impact.  My friends tried to console me.  "You don't LOOK like you're 40!" they say.  Trying to win over my vain side.  This was a very effective method, I will admit.  Did they know that the harsh reality would get me soon enough and they were just buying precious time?  They would also tell me of all of the wondrous things everyone told me about turning 40.  How liberating it is.  How free you feel.  That you FINALLY don't care what other people think.  You say what's on your mind and if someone doesn't like it...TOUGH!  "Come...be 40 with us!" exclaim the sirens.  "Here you rest in safety and peace!" they shrill.

How kind of them; however...I was bitterly disappointed.

I woke up this morning to the alarm clock.  WHAT?  You mean to tell me that 40 year olds wake up to alarm clocks like everyone else?  I was under the impression that when you're 40, it rained bubbles from the ceiling and muscular men caress you awake and call you names like 'baby' and 'my love'.  WHAT THE HECK?  No...I woke up to my annoying cell phone ring that sounds like bad 70's porn music.  Things haven't been different yet this morning...so I'm thinking the rest of the day will be the same, boring day like it was yesterday.

EXCEPT...

That I have to get my license renewed.

40 was supposed to be liberating!  40 was the year of the dragon for me!  I've slayed and slew and conquered and beaten!  40 was going to usher in a new age of fun...of parties...of relishing in victory!  I was going to enjoy the spoils of my conquest with lust (yes...I said it...LUST) and vigor!  You mean to tell me that IT'S JUST LIKE BEING 39?

I want my money back.

Ode to my 30's

Today is my last day of being in my "30's".  I will no longer be "pushing 40", for I will BE 40.  This blog is dedicated to those wonderous years of pain and victory.  I fought against self-doubt and low confidence.  Thank you, 30's!  To you I dedicate this poem.  

Ode To My 30's

Oh, thou wretched decade!

Why hast thou despised this maiden?

Gripped with the futility of grief;

wrapped in the arms of despair I struggled.

Flailing with thine adversarial torment.

Wrangling with doubt;

Slaying the demons which crippled my soul.

But, ALAS!

Liberation has indeed prevailed!

Victory has sounded throughout the land!

This fair vanquisher of evil subdued doubt;

for it cowers before her.

Fear is cast aside;

Out of the ashes rises strength;

for can one harm a sword of steel? Nay.

For this I thank you, decade Trigenta;

autonomy is mine forever.

None shall take away my freedom;

nor shall they take away my happiness

of which I took so long to build.

In my beautiful shelter of which I reign supreme.

Oh, thou most glorious decade!

Margaritas...and blogging...and gadgets...OH MY!

So...I blog now.  I'm almost FORCED to write a post by the same hand that "encouraged" me to have a web presence, so I'm not sure how to begin or what to write.  I want my readers to know that, for the record, I'm being coerced.


That being said, I feel as if a weight has been lifted and I can move on.

As I sit, with my hair wrapped in foil and saturated with some sort of chemical glop, I ponder the universe.  

K...that was quick.  Mostly because I really need some more facts to ponder the universe, and while I AM a college student at a nationally ranked top 10 Catholic university (U.S. News and World Report), I still only have the basics I'm learning in Bio 151 at my disposal.  Also...let's face it...I get distracted easily.

So...now what?  I blog.  I'm a blogger.  I've entered the world of internet journaling.  How did it happen?  I'm still at a loss.  Suesan sucked me into it somehow.  She always does that.  Her line was..."Hey!  Let's just PRETEND to make a blog for you!"  Next thing you know, I'm downing my 10th virgin margarita with the lampshade on my head blogging.  I asked her this morning in my hangover tone while icing my head and glaring up at her..."Why am I friends with you?"  Of course, she laughed and said she didn't know.  Many times I've wondered that about my friend, but if I've learned one thing in my biology class is that we don't ask WHY. :)

The devil (Suesan) made me do it!

Yes...she is armed and dangerous...and she makes me BLOG! 
News at 11.