Friday, October 21, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Hawaii...
...or BUST!
Yeah...I'm resurrecting an old dream...to go to school in Hawaii. Not many people know of this dream. My sister was surprised. "Mom and Dad will be pissed!" she said.
One good reason to do it then!
You know...I never really realized how contrary I am. Or how rebellious I am. Or how stubborn I am. I always thought that I portrayed myself as the devoted, doting, sweet, angelic, favorite daughter. I mean, I did what I was told (or so they thought). There weren't many times when I actually went toe-to-toe with my Dad and my Mom was so relaxed about what she wanted that there was no NEED to fight her. So, really, I didn't push the proverbial envelope to see how really rebellious I could be.
Boy, have I done it now!
Yeah...my parents halfway expected me to move back after my husband died and now that it's been 7 years, they are more of the attitude of "When you're through throwing your fit and move back home...", which isn't quite how it is.
Although some days I feel as if I'm here just to piss them off.
Boy, wouldn't flying past Utah in order to move out of the continental United States really chap their hide (I'm almost giggling as I type that). After I graduated with my Associate's my mother said to me, "Are you going to get a REAL job now?" as if working my @$$ off for my education wasn't important. THEN when I started on my Bachelor's she said she'd ALLOW me to finish school and then expects me to move back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Allow me. ALLOW me! She's so funny. I don't remember asking her permission. But she's 77 and I love her, so we'll let her live out the fantasy that she'll "allow" me to get my schooling done.
But who said I was finished?
Yeah...I liked the idea of having an Associate Degree. I LOVE the idea of having a Bachelor Degree. The thought of having a MASTER Degree really makes me tingle. Especially getting it in Hawaii. What an atmosphere for learning!
...and for playing.
I still have a few years before I can really make this one a reality, but as far as goals go, this is a good one for down the road. Finish up school here in Dayton. Maybe I could even spend a few years in Salt Lake with the parents and get my Master's at the U of U then go off to Hawaii for a few years without the burden of studying. Oh...and I can't forget touring America on a Honda with my cat....but all in due time. I have some years left on me for the things I've wanted to do and my household is shrinking, so that frees me up. Finally, I have some excitement for the future and it doesn't seem so bleak. I can make it what I want to be...
...one step closer to a native.
Yeah...I'm resurrecting an old dream...to go to school in Hawaii. Not many people know of this dream. My sister was surprised. "Mom and Dad will be pissed!" she said.
One good reason to do it then!
You know...I never really realized how contrary I am. Or how rebellious I am. Or how stubborn I am. I always thought that I portrayed myself as the devoted, doting, sweet, angelic, favorite daughter. I mean, I did what I was told (or so they thought). There weren't many times when I actually went toe-to-toe with my Dad and my Mom was so relaxed about what she wanted that there was no NEED to fight her. So, really, I didn't push the proverbial envelope to see how really rebellious I could be.
Boy, have I done it now!
Yeah...my parents halfway expected me to move back after my husband died and now that it's been 7 years, they are more of the attitude of "When you're through throwing your fit and move back home...", which isn't quite how it is.
Although some days I feel as if I'm here just to piss them off.
Boy, wouldn't flying past Utah in order to move out of the continental United States really chap their hide (I'm almost giggling as I type that). After I graduated with my Associate's my mother said to me, "Are you going to get a REAL job now?" as if working my @$$ off for my education wasn't important. THEN when I started on my Bachelor's she said she'd ALLOW me to finish school and then expects me to move back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Allow me. ALLOW me! She's so funny. I don't remember asking her permission. But she's 77 and I love her, so we'll let her live out the fantasy that she'll "allow" me to get my schooling done.
But who said I was finished?
Yeah...I liked the idea of having an Associate Degree. I LOVE the idea of having a Bachelor Degree. The thought of having a MASTER Degree really makes me tingle. Especially getting it in Hawaii. What an atmosphere for learning!
...and for playing.
I still have a few years before I can really make this one a reality, but as far as goals go, this is a good one for down the road. Finish up school here in Dayton. Maybe I could even spend a few years in Salt Lake with the parents and get my Master's at the U of U then go off to Hawaii for a few years without the burden of studying. Oh...and I can't forget touring America on a Honda with my cat....but all in due time. I have some years left on me for the things I've wanted to do and my household is shrinking, so that frees me up. Finally, I have some excitement for the future and it doesn't seem so bleak. I can make it what I want to be...
...one step closer to a native.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Superman...
...is alive and well.
I met him at the club last week.
"Wow!"...you say. "When did he fly into town?"...you ask.
I'll tell you the story. Sit back and relax for a minute. Cuddle up to your blanket and sink down deep into your pillow.
So...the plan last Saturday night was for my friend and I to try out this new club in town. When we go out...it's usually at the same place and we thought we'd shake things up and get a little crazy. So I put on my pink satin topped dress with a black skirt and yes...I was looking awful good. I meet my friend at her place and we head out clubbin'. Clubbing in Dayton, Ohio isn't the CLASSIEST thing to do; especially if you end up downtown, but it's a cheap, fun night away from the fam and I enjoy it. The lights, the loud music...I feel like home when I'm there.
We go from her house to one club and it was a TOTAL yawn-fest so we decide to try the new place. After parking the car, we stroll down the street toward the club and peek in the window of the entrance. Immediately the bouncer and I made eye contact and he rushes to open the door for us. Pretty presumptive, I thought. What made him think we'd be going in THERE (even though we were, but still!)? So I asked him. He said we were too fine of ladies to be walking around on the streets. OK, cute Mister Bouncer...nice save. So he tells me, while checking my I.D., that if I get bored I can come back and talk with him if I'd like. OK...so maybe I will...I'm thinking. "What's the cover charge?" I ask. "Just go in." he replies. This IS true love.
So we're in there no more than 2 minutes and the guys start hounding us. There was one man in particular who wouldn't leave my friend alone. Old, drunk, and he didn't speak a WORD of english. Between the two of us we couldn't decipher anything he was saying. We lose him a few times, but he always found his way back. Finally, we were sitting and here he comes again. He must've thought that if he spoke louder and used more hand gestures we would be able to understand him...nope. We told him many times that we couldn't understand him and our confused looks should've been a sign, but he kept trying. My friend left to dance and I was left with the man. Well, the bouncer was checking out the floor and throwing bottles away. I knew he was around, but didn't really realize how closely he was watching because out of nowhere he comes in between me and the old man...quicker than lightning. One minute I'm sitting there with the old man hanging out and the next minute my head is pressed pretty close to the bouncer's chest while he's cleaning off the bar separating me from the dance floor. What a relief! I told the bouncer, "You are my hero...like Superman!". What the bouncer was about to say changed my life forever. He said, "You DESERVE a Superman." and kept wiping the counters. When he said that I thought for sure he was going to rip off his shirt and expose his Superman suit. I was dumb-founded. There wasn't a thing I could think of to say...I was in awe. Not sure what I was thinking when he said that...all I could do was process what he said. It registered as a good thing because right away I got the warm-fuzzies you always hear about. My feminist alter-ego was not offended by his statement, either, which kind of surprised me...she has an itchy trigger finger and sometimes gives off false alarms. His statement was sweet, kind, and respectful (oh...and sexy, too).
At the end of the night, he tells me his name and that I should come back. He didn't pressure me for my phone number...he didn't overdo it on the compliments; however, he DID let me know he was interested and he DID show me that he believed in what he said by following it up with action. He isn't ripped with muscles nor do his teeth sparkle when he talks, but a great deal of his character came out in only a few words that he said.
Will I go back to the club? Yes...tomorrow night. Am I a little nervous that he may not live up to what I think he is in my mind? Not really...Because you can't fake what he did for me or said to me. Those type of things can only happen in the moment. If he was a fake and a fraud, it wouldn't have happened and he couldn't have come up with those words like he did. He must really believe that I deserve something good or he wouldn't have said what he did.
It was really nice to hear.
I've had many guys try. They think they're pretty cool or being charming and smooth (the operative word is THINK). This bouncer wasn't TRYING. He was genuine in his words and actions. We'll see what happens with this, but even if nothing does I feel like I have more of an understanding about my self-worth.
Like the world needs me to feel even MORE better about myself!
I met him at the club last week.
"Wow!"...you say. "When did he fly into town?"...you ask.
I'll tell you the story. Sit back and relax for a minute. Cuddle up to your blanket and sink down deep into your pillow.
So...the plan last Saturday night was for my friend and I to try out this new club in town. When we go out...it's usually at the same place and we thought we'd shake things up and get a little crazy. So I put on my pink satin topped dress with a black skirt and yes...I was looking awful good. I meet my friend at her place and we head out clubbin'. Clubbing in Dayton, Ohio isn't the CLASSIEST thing to do; especially if you end up downtown, but it's a cheap, fun night away from the fam and I enjoy it. The lights, the loud music...I feel like home when I'm there.
We go from her house to one club and it was a TOTAL yawn-fest so we decide to try the new place. After parking the car, we stroll down the street toward the club and peek in the window of the entrance. Immediately the bouncer and I made eye contact and he rushes to open the door for us. Pretty presumptive, I thought. What made him think we'd be going in THERE (even though we were, but still!)? So I asked him. He said we were too fine of ladies to be walking around on the streets. OK, cute Mister Bouncer...nice save. So he tells me, while checking my I.D., that if I get bored I can come back and talk with him if I'd like. OK...so maybe I will...I'm thinking. "What's the cover charge?" I ask. "Just go in." he replies. This IS true love.
So we're in there no more than 2 minutes and the guys start hounding us. There was one man in particular who wouldn't leave my friend alone. Old, drunk, and he didn't speak a WORD of english. Between the two of us we couldn't decipher anything he was saying. We lose him a few times, but he always found his way back. Finally, we were sitting and here he comes again. He must've thought that if he spoke louder and used more hand gestures we would be able to understand him...nope. We told him many times that we couldn't understand him and our confused looks should've been a sign, but he kept trying. My friend left to dance and I was left with the man. Well, the bouncer was checking out the floor and throwing bottles away. I knew he was around, but didn't really realize how closely he was watching because out of nowhere he comes in between me and the old man...quicker than lightning. One minute I'm sitting there with the old man hanging out and the next minute my head is pressed pretty close to the bouncer's chest while he's cleaning off the bar separating me from the dance floor. What a relief! I told the bouncer, "You are my hero...like Superman!". What the bouncer was about to say changed my life forever. He said, "You DESERVE a Superman." and kept wiping the counters. When he said that I thought for sure he was going to rip off his shirt and expose his Superman suit. I was dumb-founded. There wasn't a thing I could think of to say...I was in awe. Not sure what I was thinking when he said that...all I could do was process what he said. It registered as a good thing because right away I got the warm-fuzzies you always hear about. My feminist alter-ego was not offended by his statement, either, which kind of surprised me...she has an itchy trigger finger and sometimes gives off false alarms. His statement was sweet, kind, and respectful (oh...and sexy, too).
At the end of the night, he tells me his name and that I should come back. He didn't pressure me for my phone number...he didn't overdo it on the compliments; however, he DID let me know he was interested and he DID show me that he believed in what he said by following it up with action. He isn't ripped with muscles nor do his teeth sparkle when he talks, but a great deal of his character came out in only a few words that he said.
Will I go back to the club? Yes...tomorrow night. Am I a little nervous that he may not live up to what I think he is in my mind? Not really...Because you can't fake what he did for me or said to me. Those type of things can only happen in the moment. If he was a fake and a fraud, it wouldn't have happened and he couldn't have come up with those words like he did. He must really believe that I deserve something good or he wouldn't have said what he did.
It was really nice to hear.
I've had many guys try. They think they're pretty cool or being charming and smooth (the operative word is THINK). This bouncer wasn't TRYING. He was genuine in his words and actions. We'll see what happens with this, but even if nothing does I feel like I have more of an understanding about my self-worth.
Like the world needs me to feel even MORE better about myself!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Choices...choices...choices...
...life is FULL of them!
Do I have hamburgers or chicken for dinner? Would grey or white tile look better in the bathroom? The Green Lantern or Captain America? In life, we're constantly faced with choices.
Hey! I didn't say they'd be EASY!
Do I have hamburgers or chicken for dinner? Would grey or white tile look better in the bathroom? The Green Lantern or Captain America? In life, we're constantly faced with choices.
Hey! I didn't say they'd be EASY!
Well...I've stumbled on a new outlook on the word 'choices'...and by "stumbled", I mean "fell and hit like a ton of bricks". You know those life lessons...the kind where you feel like you are at the end of that proverbial rope and you can't seem to grab a hold of any type of sanity and your whole world feels as though it is falling apart and every time something bad or big happens is such a burden and you become overwhelmed at even the tiniest of duties?
Or is it just me?
Well...I was talking to a friend about how I have these moments of power...strength...confidence. So powerful are these feelings that I would SWEAR that I could lift buildings...I could get or do anything I wanted. Soon after I feel these feelings something happens and I crash and burn. This has caused me a great deal of frustration to say the least. Why can't I keep these feelings? Why can I feel on top of the world one moment only to fall to the bottom of the pit the next?
A little help, please!
As I was pondering one day, it dawned on me...I can make the CHOICE to keep that feeling with me. Why not try it? I know it sounds like crazy talk, I mean, we can't control our circumstances...but we can control how we react to them. This has been something I've heard for YEARS, but it just dawned on me how to apply it. I really, honestly thought that it was the Fountain of Youth...something a person could search for, yet could never find because it never existed. What? You mean to tell me that you can be happy in ANY circumstance? Huh? You can CHOOSE not to get mad over things?
I'd burn myself at the stake for heresy for such beliefs...
BUT...it can happen. Since I've tried this 'new technique' I haven't felt out of control. I haven't felt that I need someone to help me take care of things because I have power. I haven't felt overwhelmed because I have the strength to face things. I have empowered myself and given myself permission to be happy...release bitterness...embrace happiness...because of my CHOICE not to let things control me, but to control my reactions.
Now...that Green Lantern and Captain America debate is a little tougher...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Self-talk...
...which shouldn't be confused with talking to yourself.
Self-talk is positive thinking reinforced by vocalizing those thoughts which transfer into positive action.
Talking to yourself is just to hear yourself say something.
Did that make sense?
So I've decided that it seems as if I'm doing a great deal of said "self-talk" lately...which is crazy because it's not like I have to be actually doing something difficult...it's summer for crying out loud! Only...I've found my nemesis which is worse than any semester of college that I have done thus far...
WAITING.
I had a discussion with a friend of mine not too long ago and I told her that "to wait" was not an action. She disagreed...quickly. Especially if you add an adverb or phrase such as "patiently" or "with patience".
Which almost NEVER happens!
Here I am...in the middle of summer...in my (mostly) Junior/(almost) Senior year of my undergrad...not having to work (yet)...wondering when my life is going to 'begin' (because, of course, burying a husband, raising 5 kids, and earning a degree from a top ranked Catholic university isn't LIVING...right?). I've had to use this concept of "self-talk" to slow down my pace and look back at my grand achievements and tell myself that it's all leading up to something great.
...(turning down Playboy)...
So...until that happens...I (am trying to) look at each day as a step to that (arrow pointing at 'turning down Playboy') end. I have to make myself believe that not only the hard work and dedication I put into working to shape my physique around that goal, but the everyday...mundane...dullness...doing the dishes...weeding...the list goes on...is also part of getting to that goal as well. Everyday I'm ONE day closer to where I want to be...
...'Nuff said...
Self-talk is positive thinking reinforced by vocalizing those thoughts which transfer into positive action.
Talking to yourself is just to hear yourself say something.
Did that make sense?
So I've decided that it seems as if I'm doing a great deal of said "self-talk" lately...which is crazy because it's not like I have to be actually doing something difficult...it's summer for crying out loud! Only...I've found my nemesis which is worse than any semester of college that I have done thus far...
WAITING.
I had a discussion with a friend of mine not too long ago and I told her that "to wait" was not an action. She disagreed...quickly. Especially if you add an adverb or phrase such as "patiently" or "with patience".
Which almost NEVER happens!
Here I am...in the middle of summer...in my (mostly) Junior/(almost) Senior year of my undergrad...not having to work (yet)...wondering when my life is going to 'begin' (because, of course, burying a husband, raising 5 kids, and earning a degree from a top ranked Catholic university isn't LIVING...right?). I've had to use this concept of "self-talk" to slow down my pace and look back at my grand achievements and tell myself that it's all leading up to something great.
...(turning down Playboy)...
So...until that happens...I (am trying to) look at each day as a step to that (arrow pointing at 'turning down Playboy') end. I have to make myself believe that not only the hard work and dedication I put into working to shape my physique around that goal, but the everyday...mundane...dullness...doing the dishes...weeding...the list goes on...is also part of getting to that goal as well. Everyday I'm ONE day closer to where I want to be...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Progress...
...is a dish best served cold.
Wait...I think that's 'revenge'.
Progress feels 'cold' sometimes, though...and revenge can LEAD to progress as a motivator.
I KNEW there was a connection.
Progress and I have a love/hate relationship. I LOVE to see progress and progress LOVES to push me beyond my limits...which I HATE. Although I've been told I love a challenge...there is that part of me that faces it with dread. It might be because I'm not in my 'comfort zone' and anything else feels 'icky'. I will, however, admit that when a challenge sets in I do dig my heels in and really work hard to make it happen.
...and usually it does.
So why don't I have more confidence that I can overcome a challenge? I don't know...except that I fight against myself for some reason. Maybe I'm afraid to succeed...or afraid that I'll finally find a point where I won't/can't make it happen and I will fail. Not sure...jury is still out on that one. Let's just say that I do know that I fight myself and leave it at that.
...and the winner is...
The answer is a little tricky because to say that I win either way is false. I don't win when I decide not to try, yet the part of me that says she doesn't want to try does a little happy dance when I cave. Let's sum things up...I won when I decided to work on losing weight. I won when I decided to take thosestupid entrance exams at the local community college. I won when I got my associate's degree (in the mail, mind you, but I still earned it!). I won when I, single-handedly, applied and got accepted into the University of Dayton (one of the top 10 Catholic university in the nation), I won when I completed my first year at said 4 year university. All of this while keeping weight off and raising 5 kids.
Winning.
So, when I say that progress is a dish best served cold, I guess it means that progress takes time and if you think you are going to eat a bowl of piping hot progress...think again. Once in a while you are able to take a bite of it warm and savor the taste...and it makes you want more. But you'll find that, like some foods, progress is better cold.
Like ice cream.
Wait...I think that's 'revenge'.
Progress feels 'cold' sometimes, though...and revenge can LEAD to progress as a motivator.
I KNEW there was a connection.
Progress and I have a love/hate relationship. I LOVE to see progress and progress LOVES to push me beyond my limits...which I HATE. Although I've been told I love a challenge...there is that part of me that faces it with dread. It might be because I'm not in my 'comfort zone' and anything else feels 'icky'. I will, however, admit that when a challenge sets in I do dig my heels in and really work hard to make it happen.
...and usually it does.
So why don't I have more confidence that I can overcome a challenge? I don't know...except that I fight against myself for some reason. Maybe I'm afraid to succeed...or afraid that I'll finally find a point where I won't/can't make it happen and I will fail. Not sure...jury is still out on that one. Let's just say that I do know that I fight myself and leave it at that.
...and the winner is...
The answer is a little tricky because to say that I win either way is false. I don't win when I decide not to try, yet the part of me that says she doesn't want to try does a little happy dance when I cave. Let's sum things up...I won when I decided to work on losing weight. I won when I decided to take those
Winning.
So, when I say that progress is a dish best served cold, I guess it means that progress takes time and if you think you are going to eat a bowl of piping hot progress...think again. Once in a while you are able to take a bite of it warm and savor the taste...and it makes you want more. But you'll find that, like some foods, progress is better cold.
Like ice cream.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Capabilities...
...are over rated.
Do we really want to know what we're capable of? This is what happens when we push ourselves to that limit and succeed...we have to work harder to be better.
Key words: work harder.
I found this out on my morning runs. When I first began, I couldn't get all around the park without stopping. After a run or two...I finally got all around the park and farther without stopping. This could only mean one thing...
...I had to run longer to get better
You'd think I'd be OK with this since I'm all about self-improvement and working yourself into being a better whatever you are. I guess I was hoping that once I reached a goal, then everything else would just fall into place.
Boy, was I wrong!
Once you break through something difficult and move on to the 'other side', the work becomes harder and you have to be more diligent and want it more than you did before. You also see that you did that tough thing...you must be able to do tougher things then...and you push the limits more. Perhaps this drive makes up for the extra work you have to do. I don't know...I haven't really looked into that, but it makes sense.
Is there some sort of physics lesson here?...work makes more work.
Anyhow, once you think you're done, you're not. Stop that thought in its track and remember that its never done. I'm trying to look at it in a positive light, but I have a Nyquil (registered trademark) hangover from last night and it's not working well for me. Besides the fact that I've realized recently that I'm really, REALLY capable in so many ways.
Dammit.
Do we really want to know what we're capable of? This is what happens when we push ourselves to that limit and succeed...we have to work harder to be better.
Key words: work harder.
I found this out on my morning runs. When I first began, I couldn't get all around the park without stopping. After a run or two...I finally got all around the park and farther without stopping. This could only mean one thing...
...I had to run longer to get better
You'd think I'd be OK with this since I'm all about self-improvement and working yourself into being a better whatever you are. I guess I was hoping that once I reached a goal, then everything else would just fall into place.
Boy, was I wrong!
Once you break through something difficult and move on to the 'other side', the work becomes harder and you have to be more diligent and want it more than you did before. You also see that you did that tough thing...you must be able to do tougher things then...and you push the limits more. Perhaps this drive makes up for the extra work you have to do. I don't know...I haven't really looked into that, but it makes sense.
Is there some sort of physics lesson here?...work makes more work.
Anyhow, once you think you're done, you're not. Stop that thought in its track and remember that its never done. I'm trying to look at it in a positive light, but I have a Nyquil (registered trademark) hangover from last night and it's not working well for me. Besides the fact that I've realized recently that I'm really, REALLY capable in so many ways.
Dammit.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Death and Taxes...
...you can't run from either.
This is coming from a pro on both subjects.
I just got back from talking to the tax people about paying my property taxes. She printed my papers and calculated how much I would owe over the course of the next few years.
Her ink was red...how ironic.
My favorite line of the conversation was, "So...does that look like a figure you can come up with?"
Yeah...if I choose the right CORNER!
It amazes me how calm I am. I really didn't get angry...I haven't cried (yet)...and I (probably) won't take it out on my kids. It just dawned on me that I haven't blamed my dead husband yet! That really seems blasphemous, but it's the first on my list when anything bad/hard/hateful happens in my life...I blame the dead husband. It makes me mad that he got out of taxes by way of dying. Really? Come ON! That's taking the EASY way out!
But I'm not bitter.
So...I can say honestly that I've faced both death and taxes HEAD ON. I can honestly say that I do not like either one of them, but they can be worked with and worked around and worked through...and when July 20th comes around and I hand over that large sum of money that the taxman requires that I pay, I will smile and thank the woman for her help.
Then go take a shot of Nyquil.
This is coming from a pro on both subjects.
I just got back from talking to the tax people about paying my property taxes. She printed my papers and calculated how much I would owe over the course of the next few years.
Her ink was red...how ironic.
My favorite line of the conversation was, "So...does that look like a figure you can come up with?"
Yeah...if I choose the right CORNER!
It amazes me how calm I am. I really didn't get angry...I haven't cried (yet)...and I (probably) won't take it out on my kids. It just dawned on me that I haven't blamed my dead husband yet! That really seems blasphemous, but it's the first on my list when anything bad/hard/hateful happens in my life...I blame the dead husband. It makes me mad that he got out of taxes by way of dying. Really? Come ON! That's taking the EASY way out!
But I'm not bitter.
So...I can say honestly that I've faced both death and taxes HEAD ON. I can honestly say that I do not like either one of them, but they can be worked with and worked around and worked through...and when July 20th comes around and I hand over that large sum of money that the taxman requires that I pay, I will smile and thank the woman for her help.
Then go take a shot of Nyquil.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Science/Art of Sacrifice...
...in a paragraph of 365 words or more.
I know, this should be interesting.
So I was jogging in the park one day and it dawned on me...I was doing something I hated (running) for the greater good (fat loss).
And I wasn't sure it was worth it.
My mind was drawn to sacrifice and how the art/science of it was lost in people these days. Society teaches the quick fix...the easy way out/in...the "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" mentality (Thank you, Janet Jackson, for putting into song). If we're not going to get something tangible out of something...and get it quick...we're not going to do it nor SHOULD we do it because things should come a little easier.
That's what SHE said.
So, as I was running and thinking about how I HATED to run and how runners always have that look of pain on their faces as they pound the pavement, I was also thinking that with sacrificing you have to give up something that is important and valuable (for me, it was NOT to run)...and the benefits will outweigh what you put into it (lean physique in order to turn down Playboy). That's the science of it. Easy enough, right?
The art of it is a little more difficult.
In my humble opinion, the ART of sacrifice is the application. The art of sacrifice is molding and sculpting what you want to sacrifice into everyday life in order to get the desired results. It's the trial and error of it all. It's the guts and glory of determination and discipline...knowing what works and if it doesn't, scrap it and try something new. It's the giving up ___(fill-in-the-blank)___ until it hurts and then some. It's the NOT giving up and giving into those inner voices that tell you to stop because you can't do it. It's the training to listen to that inner voice and the confidence to apply what you feel and think you should do even when others around you are scratching their heads wondering what the hell you are doing or why you are doing it.
Most of the time I am the one that gets in the way of myself...
Using your inner intuition and mastering sacrifice is when you really see results. Allowing yourself to mess up once in a while and changing your mindset is part of the process. It is a process...and it takes time...but it is worth it, whatever it is. From losing weight or going to school or finishing that project that you've been working on for the longest time...nothing worth while ever came easily.
...and so I run...
I know, this should be interesting.
So I was jogging in the park one day and it dawned on me...I was doing something I hated (running) for the greater good (fat loss).
And I wasn't sure it was worth it.
My mind was drawn to sacrifice and how the art/science of it was lost in people these days. Society teaches the quick fix...the easy way out/in...the "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" mentality (Thank you, Janet Jackson, for putting into song). If we're not going to get something tangible out of something...and get it quick...we're not going to do it nor SHOULD we do it because things should come a little easier.
That's what SHE said.
So, as I was running and thinking about how I HATED to run and how runners always have that look of pain on their faces as they pound the pavement, I was also thinking that with sacrificing you have to give up something that is important and valuable (for me, it was NOT to run)...and the benefits will outweigh what you put into it (lean physique in order to turn down Playboy). That's the science of it. Easy enough, right?
The art of it is a little more difficult.
In my humble opinion, the ART of sacrifice is the application. The art of sacrifice is molding and sculpting what you want to sacrifice into everyday life in order to get the desired results. It's the trial and error of it all. It's the guts and glory of determination and discipline...knowing what works and if it doesn't, scrap it and try something new. It's the giving up ___(fill-in-the-blank)___ until it hurts and then some. It's the NOT giving up and giving into those inner voices that tell you to stop because you can't do it. It's the training to listen to that inner voice and the confidence to apply what you feel and think you should do even when others around you are scratching their heads wondering what the hell you are doing or why you are doing it.
Most of the time I am the one that gets in the way of myself...
Using your inner intuition and mastering sacrifice is when you really see results. Allowing yourself to mess up once in a while and changing your mindset is part of the process. It is a process...and it takes time...but it is worth it, whatever it is. From losing weight or going to school or finishing that project that you've been working on for the longest time...nothing worth while ever came easily.
...and so I run...
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Man and the Modern Woman...
That would make a great book title if it isn't already.
My dishwasher isn't working, so I've been washing my dishes the "old-fashioned" way...by hand. I actually don't mind it, really...although it has given me some time to think...
...and that's dangerous.
I can be totally honest about a great deal of my flaws and one of them is that I tend to generalize. This isn't a good thing, really, because you can't just place a set of characteristics on, say, gender, to cover that one gender. Why do I pick out gender? Easy.
Because I'm sexist.
Not in the "all-men-are-pigs" way, but in the "all-men-_(fill-in-the-blank)_" way. Maybe this wouldn't be considered to be sexist to some, but I do just because it's using an essentialist type of thinking toward men...that men are a certain way and women are a certain way...and that is how it is.
I'm trying to reform.
Anyhow...as I was washing the dishes, in my angry mood, and I caught myself thinking about the men I've dated...as I sometimes do...and I was trying to lump them all (4 of them) in the same category, which was unfair, but I couldn't help but wonder what it is about me that seems to repel or scare or ward or deter myself from any type of relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself nor do I feel as if I have to 'change' for someone...if that's the case, I WILL end up being alone for the rest of my life because that WILL NOT happen. I like who I am and who I am aiming to be. What I'm saying, is that I wonder what type of guy would be attracted to a woman like me...a modern woman...who would rather bring home the bacon than fry it up in a pan. A soft, sensitive type...who does windows and would stay home with the kids? A "go...get 'em" type that would need to keep up with me? A laid back kind who could even me out?
Whoever it is...I'm not sure that he's ready. I'm quite a handful.
My dishwasher isn't working, so I've been washing my dishes the "old-fashioned" way...by hand. I actually don't mind it, really...although it has given me some time to think...
...and that's dangerous.
I can be totally honest about a great deal of my flaws and one of them is that I tend to generalize. This isn't a good thing, really, because you can't just place a set of characteristics on, say, gender, to cover that one gender. Why do I pick out gender? Easy.
Because I'm sexist.
Not in the "all-men-are-pigs" way, but in the "all-men-_(fill-in-the-blank)_" way. Maybe this wouldn't be considered to be sexist to some, but I do just because it's using an essentialist type of thinking toward men...that men are a certain way and women are a certain way...and that is how it is.
I'm trying to reform.
Anyhow...as I was washing the dishes, in my angry mood, and I caught myself thinking about the men I've dated...as I sometimes do...and I was trying to lump them all (4 of them) in the same category, which was unfair, but I couldn't help but wonder what it is about me that seems to repel or scare or ward or deter myself from any type of relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself nor do I feel as if I have to 'change' for someone...if that's the case, I WILL end up being alone for the rest of my life because that WILL NOT happen. I like who I am and who I am aiming to be. What I'm saying, is that I wonder what type of guy would be attracted to a woman like me...a modern woman...who would rather bring home the bacon than fry it up in a pan. A soft, sensitive type...who does windows and would stay home with the kids? A "go...get 'em" type that would need to keep up with me? A laid back kind who could even me out?
Whoever it is...I'm not sure that he's ready. I'm quite a handful.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Inspiration...
...is sometimes over-rated.
I say that because I have noticed that I have not had any in a while.
(_______________<------inappropriate comment here)
But what I HAVE noticed is that, over time, things are coming together anyway. That change doesn't happen with that sudden burst of genius, but great and lasting change happens over time. It happens with small and simple changes in the way you think and the way you react to circumstances. Sometimes you have these monumental things that happen in life which requires cataclysmic (I know, big word!) changes in how you do things or how you think...but mostly, the changes take place in the everyday instances which require stupid patience.
I'm not a patient person.
I like to be doing things to make things better, so when you tell me it's rest time or to wait...
STEP BACK or DUCK.
'Cause I really don't want to hear it.
I like to have things the way I want them...and I want things done fast...and I want them done yesterday. It doesn't mean that's a bad thing...I don't think. If I didn't have thisflaw irritating wonderful part of my persona, I don't think I would have gotten this far with school or with raising kids on my own or anything else I've accomplished.
Someone make it stop!
Don't get me wrong...I think there were/are many times I feel inspired, but I don't believe that inspiration alone will get the job done. It takes hard work and dedication.
You can quote me on that when I turn down Playboy.
I say that because I have noticed that I have not had any in a while.
(_______________<------inappropriate comment here)
But what I HAVE noticed is that, over time, things are coming together anyway. That change doesn't happen with that sudden burst of genius, but great and lasting change happens over time. It happens with small and simple changes in the way you think and the way you react to circumstances. Sometimes you have these monumental things that happen in life which requires cataclysmic (I know, big word!) changes in how you do things or how you think...but mostly, the changes take place in the everyday instances which require stupid patience.
I'm not a patient person.
I like to be doing things to make things better, so when you tell me it's rest time or to wait...
STEP BACK or DUCK.
'Cause I really don't want to hear it.
I like to have things the way I want them...and I want things done fast...and I want them done yesterday. It doesn't mean that's a bad thing...I don't think. If I didn't have this
Someone make it stop!
Don't get me wrong...I think there were/are many times I feel inspired, but I don't believe that inspiration alone will get the job done. It takes hard work and dedication.
You can quote me on that when I turn down Playboy.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Lone Eve in the Garden of Weedin'...
...I know, catchy title. There is a story behind it though. You see...
I planted 4 tomato plants; therefore, I farm.
Yeah...for some reason, I've caught the "I-want-to-plant-things" bug and thought it would be a good idea to get the backyard all nice and fixed up while trying to plant a small garden in the back 40. I don't really intend on HARVESTING anything from my small tomato factories, I just wanted to say, "Hey! I tried!".
And I am trying!...ask anyone.
So, this last weekend I've hoed and weeded and tilled and weeded some more. My hands are a little blistered and underneath my nails have dirt captured (and scrub as I might...won't let go of the tiny carbon-based particles). But it's 'whatever'...right? Because the more blisters and more dirt under my nails I accumulate, the more die-hard and hardcore I am...right? 'Cause it's all about hard work, blood, sweat, and tears...right? That's what my father always taught me. Today, I thought for SURE I grabbed a hold of some poison ivy. "Leaves of 3...let them be". The minute I let go of the vine I kinda looked at my hands for a moment or two, rubbed some dirt in it, and kept weeding.
Daddy would be proud.
The main purpose of weeding wasn't to farm 4 tomato plants...oh no. My whole intent was to purge the area behind my garage of weeds in order for me to have a nice 'secret garden'-type of spot where I can go and just sit. I'm going to sanctify the garden with reverent flowers and a holy water fountain and...as the final touch...a statue of St. Francis of Assisi.
Because that's where all the dead animals are buried.
I've been thinking about this for a while. Because I'm single, I feel like I have more of a duty to myself and my self-respect to work hard to make my home a nice place to be. I hate to say this, and many may GASP, but I'm not buying that "man-was-not-made-to-be-alone" bit. MAN maybe couldn't live alone. I've seen many men divorce/widow then get remarried only a year or two after the break-up/death. I've been doing this for 7 stinkin' years and the bills have gotten paid, floods have gotten cleaned up after a hard rain, the driveway gets shoveled time after time during the winter, kids have been fed, homework has been completed...I could go on...and the work gets done, but it won't be because Mr. Right did it. I think Mr. Right is waiting for all the work to be done and THEN he'll show up!
Typical.
I planted 4 tomato plants; therefore, I farm.
Yeah...for some reason, I've caught the "I-want-to-plant-things" bug and thought it would be a good idea to get the backyard all nice and fixed up while trying to plant a small garden in the back 40. I don't really intend on HARVESTING anything from my small tomato factories, I just wanted to say, "Hey! I tried!".
And I am trying!...ask anyone.
So, this last weekend I've hoed and weeded and tilled and weeded some more. My hands are a little blistered and underneath my nails have dirt captured (and scrub as I might...won't let go of the tiny carbon-based particles). But it's 'whatever'...right? Because the more blisters and more dirt under my nails I accumulate, the more die-hard and hardcore I am...right? 'Cause it's all about hard work, blood, sweat, and tears...right? That's what my father always taught me. Today, I thought for SURE I grabbed a hold of some poison ivy. "Leaves of 3...let them be". The minute I let go of the vine I kinda looked at my hands for a moment or two, rubbed some dirt in it, and kept weeding.
Daddy would be proud.
The main purpose of weeding wasn't to farm 4 tomato plants...oh no. My whole intent was to purge the area behind my garage of weeds in order for me to have a nice 'secret garden'-type of spot where I can go and just sit. I'm going to sanctify the garden with reverent flowers and a holy water fountain and...as the final touch...a statue of St. Francis of Assisi.
Because that's where all the dead animals are buried.
I've been thinking about this for a while. Because I'm single, I feel like I have more of a duty to myself and my self-respect to work hard to make my home a nice place to be. I hate to say this, and many may GASP, but I'm not buying that "man-was-not-made-to-be-alone" bit. MAN maybe couldn't live alone. I've seen many men divorce/widow then get remarried only a year or two after the break-up/death. I've been doing this for 7 stinkin' years and the bills have gotten paid, floods have gotten cleaned up after a hard rain, the driveway gets shoveled time after time during the winter, kids have been fed, homework has been completed...I could go on...and the work gets done, but it won't be because Mr. Right did it. I think Mr. Right is waiting for all the work to be done and THEN he'll show up!
Typical.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Brainstorming...
...not to be confused with brainWASHING.
Brainstorming is when you clean out your brain.
Brainwashing is when you are stuffing junk INTO your brain that shouldn't be there.
So I've decided that's my next step. I've done this before...I have a system.
I pull out a notebook...usually a new one...so I can 'start fresh' with my 'new frame of mind'. Next, I label the notebook...depending on what my 'new frame of mind' is. Once, it was...
Esther's Book of Ideas
...THIS guy one day!
Brainstorming is when you clean out your brain.
Brainwashing is when you are stuffing junk INTO your brain that shouldn't be there.
So I've decided that's my next step. I've done this before...I have a system.
I pull out a notebook...usually a new one...so I can 'start fresh' with my 'new frame of mind'. Next, I label the notebook...depending on what my 'new frame of mind' is. Once, it was...
Esther's Book of Ideas
That was in my not-creative 'frame of mind'. Labeling can make or break your brainstorming, so be careful. This one still sits empty collecting dust under my bed.
The next step is very crucial. I'm a visual person. I like to have things appeal to me visually (which explains my fascination with Dwayne Johnson...but that's another blog altogether...).
Mmmmmmmmmm...he sure is pretty.
So then I add pictures that stimulate my creativity. Sometimes I draw them...sometimes I cut and paste (many Muscle & Fitness magazines have been sacrificed to the brainstorming god...but they will have not suffered needlessly).
I also add valuable quotes...motivational and inspirational...which stir ambition and determination to stick with the program.
The last part of the system, which I have really never gotten to...it's like the Holy Grail of my process. This part of the system is where I buckle down and actually DO the brainstorming. I start on an empty page of the notebook and write down what I want to do and where I want to be in 5 years.
That's where I'm at...RIGHT. NOW. I'm at the brainstorming portion of the program. This is the toughest part for me. I was a stay-at-home mom for 14 years thinking that's what I'd be doing for the rest of my life.
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The joke was on ME!
It doesn't mean I can't do it. It just means I have to come out of that *&%# comfort zone AGAIN and re-define and re-invent myself. This process used to scare me and I used to really hate it. Now, I like who it's making me into. So...I'll brainstorm.
Who knows...it might lead me to...
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I'm not a "Health Nut"...
...I'm a "Fitness Snob".
Let's just get that straight right now.
Health nuts are people who incorporate healthy living in order to live happy lives.
Fitness snobs incorporate healthy living in order to look good.
Don't get me wrong...I'm happy being healthy, that's not my point. My point is, that I like to look good. I like walking into the gym with my tank top on and watch the reactions of people. Sometimes they cast their eyes downward so as not to make eye contact. Sometimes the really brave ones say 'hi'. Sometimes they just watch me walk across the room, or watch me lift some weights like I'm the freak show I believe myself to be.
...and I really like it.
That's not totally what makes me a fitness snob. What makes me a fitness snob, is the fact that I look at other people. Generally not with judgement in mind (GENERALLY...), but I look at people and think..."Hmmmm...their butt is a little flabby and their arms flap. Nothing that some squats, tricep pressdowns, and 40 minutes of cardio daily for a month couldn't help with.". THIS is the mindset of a fitness snob.
Fitness snobs also have certain phrases and statements that...DRIVE. THEM. CRAZY.
For instance, when someone says...
So, I'm off to the gym. I have my tank top on...shorts...hair down and sassy...ready to walk through the doors and wait for the stares that come after years of hard work.
THIS is the payoff for the fitness snob.
Let's just get that straight right now.
Health nuts are people who incorporate healthy living in order to live happy lives.
Fitness snobs incorporate healthy living in order to look good.
Don't get me wrong...I'm happy being healthy, that's not my point. My point is, that I like to look good. I like walking into the gym with my tank top on and watch the reactions of people. Sometimes they cast their eyes downward so as not to make eye contact. Sometimes the really brave ones say 'hi'. Sometimes they just watch me walk across the room, or watch me lift some weights like I'm the freak show I believe myself to be.
...and I really like it.
That's not totally what makes me a fitness snob. What makes me a fitness snob, is the fact that I look at other people. Generally not with judgement in mind (GENERALLY...), but I look at people and think..."Hmmmm...their butt is a little flabby and their arms flap. Nothing that some squats, tricep pressdowns, and 40 minutes of cardio daily for a month couldn't help with.". THIS is the mindset of a fitness snob.
Fitness snobs also have certain phrases and statements that...DRIVE. THEM. CRAZY.
For instance, when someone says...
- "Muscle weighs more than fat."...UGH! A pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat! Muscle is more DENSE than fat...a pound of muscle takes up less space than a pound of fat, but they weigh the same.
- "I ate 1000 calories a day for 2 weeks and haven't lost a pound! I don't know what I'm doing wrong."...DOUBLE UGH! You're not eating enough! You're body thinks it's starving. The way your body burns fat is like a fire in a fireplace. If you don't put logs on the fire the fire will burn out. If you're not eating enough calories, you're body will think it's starving and hold onto your fat as food storage. You've got to eat to lose weight.
- "I found some stuff on the internet that if I take once a day it will help me lose weight and I don't have to exercise or watch what I eat!"...ARGH! It doesn't WORK like that! The only way to lose weight is to create a calorie deficit...take in (slightly) less then you're putting out. Hard work and eating healthy is the OONNNLLYYYY way to go.
- Women say..."I don't want to lift weights because it'll make me bulk up and look like a man."...*rolling eyes*...Unless you are taking ANABOLIC STEROIDS, you will not bulk up. You will be building muscle which uses more calories...so you will be burning more calories at rest...so you will burn fat faster...so you will lose weight FASTER...which is what you want! ALSO, not to mention that lifting weights will lower your risk for osteoporosis because it makes your bones more dense. Are you sold yet?
So, I'm off to the gym. I have my tank top on...shorts...hair down and sassy...ready to walk through the doors and wait for the stares that come after years of hard work.
THIS is the payoff for the fitness snob.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Passion...
...but not the kind YOU'RE thinking of.
Passion n. a great liking or enthusiasm.
THAT'S the definition I wanted...a big "THANK YOU" to Webster's Dictionary!
(Although...I'm good with the other definition as well, but don't get me started!)
Passion has been on my mind a lot lately because, heck, it's summer...school is over...I need to start moving my career in 'A' direction...ANY direction. I just wanna get started on SOMETHING! So, I've been talking with a good friend and it was brought up that finding out what you're passionate about is where you need to start in order to get started in a career...business...livelihood...whatever you want to call it.
So I asked myself, "Self...what are you passionate about?"
"Well...I look in the mirror a lot." I replied.
"True," I said, trying not to laugh full out loud, "but how could we make money off of that?"
"You didn't ask that," my self replied, "you only asked what I'm passionate about.
I left it alone. Sometimes you just have to leave things alone when you sense an argument coming on.
"OK...what else?" I asked.
I ended up making a list...
Men Dwayne Johnson
Passion n. a great liking or enthusiasm.
THAT'S the definition I wanted...a big "THANK YOU" to Webster's Dictionary!
(Although...I'm good with the other definition as well, but don't get me started!)
Passion has been on my mind a lot lately because, heck, it's summer...school is over...I need to start moving my career in 'A' direction...ANY direction. I just wanna get started on SOMETHING! So, I've been talking with a good friend and it was brought up that finding out what you're passionate about is where you need to start in order to get started in a career...business...livelihood...whatever you want to call it.
So I asked myself, "Self...what are you passionate about?"
"Well...I look in the mirror a lot." I replied.
"True," I said, trying not to laugh full out loud, "but how could we make money off of that?"
"You didn't ask that," my self replied, "you only asked what I'm passionate about.
I left it alone. Sometimes you just have to leave things alone when you sense an argument coming on.
"OK...what else?" I asked.
I ended up making a list...
Passions
Monster energy drinks
Looking at myself in the mirror
Stripper heels
Getting some sort of pierce/tattoo
After writing these things out, I realized it was more of a "to-do" or "to-get" list and not so much of a "what-I-want-to-achieve-in-my-career" list. I mean, if this were an ACTUAL passion list and I could coordinate all of these passions into a business, it would be me slamming down Monsters in stripper heels with Dwayne Johnson while looking in the mirror at my pierce/tattoo. Which is all well and good, but I doubt anyone would want to pay money for that...
...or WOULD they...?
Monday, May 16, 2011
To train or not to train...
Ever want something so badly...but you don't know why?...or if it's the "right thing to do"? Not sure where that 'wonder if it's the right thing to do' mentality came from except that it would make me leaner and meaner than I am now and that could be a dangerous thing. I have decided to go ahead and train to become a better, leaner, and more confident me and I will tell you why...
1). I have come to far to NOT train. For those who know me, I have risen as a Phoenix out of the ashes. It has been a personal journey of wins and losses; of joy and pain; of achievement and triumph.
2). It will help me help others. How can I tell someone that they have to climb a little higher to reach a goal when I'm not willing to do that myself? Doesn't seem right...and I'll know the fears they will face because I have faced them.
3). I want that level of discipline in my life. It seems to me that having that control over your mind and body you can do some marvelous things...BIG things...important things. Helping others is top on my list...but I think the possibilities are endless.
4). I will be honest...and this may seem vain, but I want others to say..."DAMN!". Not..."Damn, she looks great for her age!" but, "DAMN! She looks great [period...end of story]".
5). To add it to my crowning achievements that I have worked so hard for. I have not sat idly by and passively allowed life to take me where it wants me to go. I have worked diligently to progress on a personal level to become closer to self-actualization...it makes sense that my body should reflect how I feel inside. I would be doing myself a disservice to limit who I am personally.
Those are the "why's" as to the reason for my training, but what is the "what" you ask?
I plan on turning down Playboy.
1). I have come to far to NOT train. For those who know me, I have risen as a Phoenix out of the ashes. It has been a personal journey of wins and losses; of joy and pain; of achievement and triumph.
2). It will help me help others. How can I tell someone that they have to climb a little higher to reach a goal when I'm not willing to do that myself? Doesn't seem right...and I'll know the fears they will face because I have faced them.
3). I want that level of discipline in my life. It seems to me that having that control over your mind and body you can do some marvelous things...BIG things...important things. Helping others is top on my list...but I think the possibilities are endless.
4). I will be honest...and this may seem vain, but I want others to say..."DAMN!". Not..."Damn, she looks great for her age!" but, "DAMN! She looks great [period...end of story]".
5). To add it to my crowning achievements that I have worked so hard for. I have not sat idly by and passively allowed life to take me where it wants me to go. I have worked diligently to progress on a personal level to become closer to self-actualization...it makes sense that my body should reflect how I feel inside. I would be doing myself a disservice to limit who I am personally.
Those are the "why's" as to the reason for my training, but what is the "what" you ask?
I plan on turning down Playboy.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Chapel bells seem to say to me...
Today I heard the Chapel bells from the 6th floor of the library. This is something rare since I almost never hear them; I'm usually in the building when they chime. I sat down at the round study table with the sun shining from the window with the Chapel in full view when I heard them today; it was providence. I love the Chapel. Its blue dome top holds the cross high and proud. It has become my symbol of every reason why I began school at the University of Dayton. I'm not Catholic...not at all...but having their symbol of faith around every corner, I have kind of adopted it as my own in a way. It is a sign of faith and hope. It has withstood the test of time and it represents more than a church, but sacrifice. Sacrifice. That's what I have been doing to come here. I have given up my time and money, fear, and have challenged my family legacy. For these reasons, the Chapel has special meaning to me and when I sit at the round study table with the sun streaming through the window and see the dome of the Chapel holding the cross high, it gives me comfort. I know I'm in the right place...in the 6th floor of the library studying.
Friday, February 25, 2011
That's IT!!!!
Yes...I've come to this fork in the road before, but I think it's time to dig deep and really get out of this hole.
I'VE HAD IT!!!
Don't get me wrong...I have a great life, great kids, great friends, and a great (bird-catching)cat. What else is there in life? I'll tell you what there is...
(cue Rocky music)
Do you know what it feels like to know there is so much more you could be doing with your life?
Have you ever felt that internal drive to DO more...to BE more...?
Are you frustrated at night time when you go to bed and just lay there thinking...is this IT?
Do the burdens of life drown out that inner voice that scream for you to let her out?
If you've felt any of these, you've felt a portion of what I've felt...that inside of myself is this perfect being BEGGING AND PLEADING to come out. She has been jailed long enough in the prison of loneliness and frustration long enough. It is time to let her out and be the woman she was made to be.
Step aside people...hot stuff coming through.
I have found that if I get mad about something, then I get the job done. My friends would disagree (on the outside, but inwardly shake their heads vehemently) that every SINGLE conversation with me has been one of having to pick me up all of the time. Even I have gotten frustrated enough to stop talking to myself because it's the same thing over...and over...and over...and over again.
It ends NOW.
Time for dreams to take over and start digging deep for that foundation of success. I have to want this pretty bad...otherwise, I may as well just quit my day job and be mediocre for the rest of my life. I was NOT meant to spend my life in mediocrity...I was NOT meant to be set aside in a small corner of Ohio and rot...I was NOT meant to life a bitter, frustrated, unhappy life!
It's sooooo not me.
IT'S TIME FOR LIBERATION, PEOPLE!
Stay tuned...it's gonna get a little crazy here.
I'VE HAD IT!!!
Don't get me wrong...I have a great life, great kids, great friends, and a great (bird-catching)cat. What else is there in life? I'll tell you what there is...
(cue Rocky music)
Do you know what it feels like to know there is so much more you could be doing with your life?
Have you ever felt that internal drive to DO more...to BE more...?
Are you frustrated at night time when you go to bed and just lay there thinking...is this IT?
Do the burdens of life drown out that inner voice that scream for you to let her out?
If you've felt any of these, you've felt a portion of what I've felt...that inside of myself is this perfect being BEGGING AND PLEADING to come out. She has been jailed long enough in the prison of loneliness and frustration long enough. It is time to let her out and be the woman she was made to be.
Step aside people...hot stuff coming through.
I have found that if I get mad about something, then I get the job done. My friends would disagree (on the outside, but inwardly shake their heads vehemently) that every SINGLE conversation with me has been one of having to pick me up all of the time. Even I have gotten frustrated enough to stop talking to myself because it's the same thing over...and over...and over...and over again.
It ends NOW.
Time for dreams to take over and start digging deep for that foundation of success. I have to want this pretty bad...otherwise, I may as well just quit my day job and be mediocre for the rest of my life. I was NOT meant to spend my life in mediocrity...I was NOT meant to be set aside in a small corner of Ohio and rot...I was NOT meant to life a bitter, frustrated, unhappy life!
It's sooooo not me.
IT'S TIME FOR LIBERATION, PEOPLE!
Stay tuned...it's gonna get a little crazy here.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Going to bed with Darwin...
Nights are the worst for me...they always have been. The kids are in bed and it's quiet in the house. I got a lot accomplished today...cleaned some of the house. You know, the part that was really driving me crazy. I never have time to get it all done at once, so I just tackle the worst and it seems to appease the chlorox god. It really didn't take much, but this week has been a real busy week. I've had to take 2 kids to 2 different doctor's appointments, school, and that pretty much sums it up.
I think I'll be able to cry tonight.
That sounds really funny, but it's not. Nights were always a time that my husband and I could catch up...chat...whatever. I always fell asleep in the middle of a conversation. He must have too, because he never complained. I was never lonely when he was around. Even when he was in pain he was fairly decent company...especially toward the end. He never was one for letting his feelings known. Why, I'll never know. Maybe he got hurt once and closed up. He was like that our whole marriage. So when he suggested I pick out a movie that last night, it was a little alarming...especially since it was a so called 'chick flick'...I should have known the higher powers were at hand. Irony played a part in my selection. The movie I chose was "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane. If anyone has seen that movie, they will tell you it's a coming of age movie about a woman who loses everything in a divorce and she buys a home in Tuscany, Italy, away from everyone she knows and loves. She has to reach deep inside herself in order to find out who she really is. I didn't move to Italy, but I can identify with many parts of that movie. Who KNEW that on the eve of his death I would see a flash of my future without even knowing it.
At least Diane Lane is hot.
So, part of her struggle was with her loneliness. A wise woman who gives her plenty of advice and counsel in the show tells her a story about when she was a child and waited around for ladybugs...they never came. So, she falls asleep and when she wakes up she is COVERED with them. The woman tells Diane's character to throw herself into the house she is remodeling and the ladybugs will come when she's not looking. That's a very intriguing concept. In theory I'm sure it would work, but in application...not so much. As we speak, I should be reading biology because I'm behind and I have a quiz tomorrow. Can I ignore the feelings that tug at me at this late hour?...no. I would argue that her story spans MAYBE 2 years...and that's being kind. I've been alone for almost 7 years. 7-2 = in bad shape. It's simple math. Besides...she DOES go out and get some on the side. That...in and of itself...makes the biggest difference in the world. Because of my values and standards, I'm left wanting.
Again...I'm left with the question of...how am I supposed to tackle biology with these intense feelings of sadness...loneliness...frustration...?
Chapter 22: Descent With Modification: A Darwinian View of Life...
God help me, please...
I think I'll be able to cry tonight.
That sounds really funny, but it's not. Nights were always a time that my husband and I could catch up...chat...whatever. I always fell asleep in the middle of a conversation. He must have too, because he never complained. I was never lonely when he was around. Even when he was in pain he was fairly decent company...especially toward the end. He never was one for letting his feelings known. Why, I'll never know. Maybe he got hurt once and closed up. He was like that our whole marriage. So when he suggested I pick out a movie that last night, it was a little alarming...especially since it was a so called 'chick flick'...I should have known the higher powers were at hand. Irony played a part in my selection. The movie I chose was "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane. If anyone has seen that movie, they will tell you it's a coming of age movie about a woman who loses everything in a divorce and she buys a home in Tuscany, Italy, away from everyone she knows and loves. She has to reach deep inside herself in order to find out who she really is. I didn't move to Italy, but I can identify with many parts of that movie. Who KNEW that on the eve of his death I would see a flash of my future without even knowing it.
At least Diane Lane is hot.
So, part of her struggle was with her loneliness. A wise woman who gives her plenty of advice and counsel in the show tells her a story about when she was a child and waited around for ladybugs...they never came. So, she falls asleep and when she wakes up she is COVERED with them. The woman tells Diane's character to throw herself into the house she is remodeling and the ladybugs will come when she's not looking. That's a very intriguing concept. In theory I'm sure it would work, but in application...not so much. As we speak, I should be reading biology because I'm behind and I have a quiz tomorrow. Can I ignore the feelings that tug at me at this late hour?...no. I would argue that her story spans MAYBE 2 years...and that's being kind. I've been alone for almost 7 years. 7-2 = in bad shape. It's simple math. Besides...she DOES go out and get some on the side. That...in and of itself...makes the biggest difference in the world. Because of my values and standards, I'm left wanting.
Again...I'm left with the question of...how am I supposed to tackle biology with these intense feelings of sadness...loneliness...frustration...?
Chapter 22: Descent With Modification: A Darwinian View of Life...
God help me, please...
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
All the single ladies...
So, WHAT does a single lady, who wants to keep herself unspotted from the world-type thing, handle living alone do?
Shoot...I was hoping YOU'D have the answer.
I've far from got it right. AND I DOUBT that by the end of this blog I will have some epiphany. In fact...I KNOW I won't. Here it is...9 p.m....on a school night...home from a long day and almost the weekend. How am I going to get through the night? Already I'm thinking I'll just go to bed and ask God to please knock me out. It seems that even just thinking about wanting someone by my side isn't going to help the situation...it just hurts more.
"they aren't worth the trouble"
"it's like raising another kid"
"I just want mine to take a vacation so I can have time to myself"
"but you're single...you should be having fun"
"you don't need one...you're not ready"
Ever hear any of those?
Ever want to punch someone in the face because they've said that to you?
Ever have repeated them over and over and over until you ALMOST believe it?
Ever cried yourself to sleep because it hurts so bad because your heart feels like it's being slammed onto the ground and stomped on and crushed into bits of flesh?
The fact is, I'm a single woman who doesn't sleep around. I don't go to clubs or bars. I go to school, raise my kids, and on Sunday do my church duties. I've been doing this for almost 7 years now. I can't say that I'm a perfect woman or that I should be canonized into sainthood...far from it. I'm a woman that has to do what she has to do in order to improve her situation and I'll do it when it hurts.
It hurts.
"keep doing what's right and God will bless you"
"stay busy and you won't have time to worry about it"
"it's not time right NOW, but one day you'll find someone...I just know it"
"he's just not here yet"
"you should be happy alone or with someone"
"once you stop looking then you'll find someone"
Ever hear any of those?
Ever want to punch someone in the face because they've said that to you?
Ever have repeated them over and over and over until you ALMOST believe it?
Ever cried yourself to sleep because it hurts so bad because your heart feels like it's being slammed onto the ground and stomped on and crushed into bits of flesh?
Just sorting things out. I'll keep this blog and repost it again, I'm sure. I don't expect a solution. In fact...a warning to the wise...DO NOT POST A SOLUTION. I will unfriend you, hide you, or whatever I have to do in order to cut you off from my virtual world. This is MY world. I can do what I want with it. If you really want to help, then just post a sad face and I'll know you commiserate with me. That's all I need. For now, I'm going to bed and ask God to knock me out. I'll be one more day closer to something better.
Shoot...I was hoping YOU'D have the answer.
I've far from got it right. AND I DOUBT that by the end of this blog I will have some epiphany. In fact...I KNOW I won't. Here it is...9 p.m....on a school night...home from a long day and almost the weekend. How am I going to get through the night? Already I'm thinking I'll just go to bed and ask God to please knock me out. It seems that even just thinking about wanting someone by my side isn't going to help the situation...it just hurts more.
"they aren't worth the trouble"
"it's like raising another kid"
"I just want mine to take a vacation so I can have time to myself"
"but you're single...you should be having fun"
"you don't need one...you're not ready"
Ever hear any of those?
Ever want to punch someone in the face because they've said that to you?
Ever have repeated them over and over and over until you ALMOST believe it?
Ever cried yourself to sleep because it hurts so bad because your heart feels like it's being slammed onto the ground and stomped on and crushed into bits of flesh?
The fact is, I'm a single woman who doesn't sleep around. I don't go to clubs or bars. I go to school, raise my kids, and on Sunday do my church duties. I've been doing this for almost 7 years now. I can't say that I'm a perfect woman or that I should be canonized into sainthood...far from it. I'm a woman that has to do what she has to do in order to improve her situation and I'll do it when it hurts.
It hurts.
"keep doing what's right and God will bless you"
"stay busy and you won't have time to worry about it"
"it's not time right NOW, but one day you'll find someone...I just know it"
"he's just not here yet"
"you should be happy alone or with someone"
"once you stop looking then you'll find someone"
Ever hear any of those?
Ever want to punch someone in the face because they've said that to you?
Ever have repeated them over and over and over until you ALMOST believe it?
Ever cried yourself to sleep because it hurts so bad because your heart feels like it's being slammed onto the ground and stomped on and crushed into bits of flesh?
Just sorting things out. I'll keep this blog and repost it again, I'm sure. I don't expect a solution. In fact...a warning to the wise...DO NOT POST A SOLUTION. I will unfriend you, hide you, or whatever I have to do in order to cut you off from my virtual world. This is MY world. I can do what I want with it. If you really want to help, then just post a sad face and I'll know you commiserate with me. That's all I need. For now, I'm going to bed and ask God to knock me out. I'll be one more day closer to something better.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I'm cheap, but DEFINITELY not easy...
School starts tomorrow...
Which, I understand, is for the best; however, there is still some dread. With the schedule I have, there is no margin of error. One minute off, and the whole day falls all over itself trying to catch up. I'll have to wake up...get the kids off to school...workout...go to school...come home...do homework...feed the kids...go to bed. Everything has to go off without a hitch...which is why I'm afraid I'm going to lose what little is left of my mind. My "sanity" is going to be worn very thin.
I need a MONSTER just thinking about it.
Why is something that's so great so difficult? This has been on my mind all day. When I was up at 2-blessed-30 this morning, I questioned why I was doing all of this. Why was I going out of my mind worrying about homework...tests...essays...team projects...commute...packing lunches? Coming home just to have to crash for an hour before I can be a mother to my kids. Having to make sure meals are all set up and laundry is squared away...URGH! I could feel it all pile on me. This is what was going through my mind this morning. As much as I realize that 2:30 in the morning isn't really a time in which you should listen to yourself or take any thought that you might have seriously, I knew there was a part of me that was truly questioning my decision. I have my associates degree...I could very well go get a job at the local gym and make a decent amount of money on top of what we already have and get ahead of the game. Why not just quit and get a job?
That would be the easy way to do things.
For those who know ANYTHING about me or my ancestors, we don't know ANYTHING about the easy way. Johnsons know nothing about the easy way and I think, in a sick and twisted way, we LOVE doing things the hard way. A great many of my ancestors lived a hard life; my father included. He told me that he always went hungry. He related to me about one time in particular, there was a candy bar on the side of the road and he ate it because he was starving. I KNOW! That's totally disgusting, but it proves my point...Johnsons are a rough lot.
Me included.
Then I think of what the "hard road" has done for me personally.
Allow me to list a few things:
1. I've earned an associates degree!! This is one thing which I thought I could/would never do. School took too much time and commitment. Did I mention that Johnsons are impatient? Having to think ahead to when the kids are gone from my home and how I was going to take care of myself and help support them later on was (is) a priority. I set a goal and completed it...that, in itself, is ground-breaking.
2. I've learned how to think ahead, plan, and prepare. I'm not perfect, but I have found that planning ahead sure makes things go a lot easier around here. I'm not stressing NEARLY about things when I put some thought into what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, or next month. It is a good feeling to have everything thought out and planned. I'm not perfect at this. Sometimes I get a great system going, but then I don't follow up or something happens and I don't reconfigure new factors into the equation, but I'm getting better at re-evaluating and getting back on track.
3. My organizational skills are improving by leaps and bounds. I can really tell a difference with the coming of this new semester as to how I am getting things into they're place in order to keep chaos at bay. Granted, by the end of the semester, my system is SHOT to HADES, but it doesn't take it long to get back together and I'm really no worse off for the wear.
4. I'm learning to let go of things that don't matter. This counts for the silly knick-knacks I have had laying around that I absolutely HATE as well as the thoughts and feelings of my heart that have gotten in the way of being happy. Getting rid of those heinous items has liberated me and freed me of unnecessary pain. It has allowed me to make room for the knick-knacks/thoughts/feelings that I actually WANT to have laying around which give me a sense of peace and joy.
5. I've learned to make what time I actually DO have quality time. This counts for children, friends, homework, or Snake. Appreciating who I'm with at the time has helped me grow closer to those I love and focus on my relationships (as well as homework). They all have a time and a place and I have learned to make the most of it.
6. I'm learning that my children are watching me. This scares the holy BEJEBUS outta me, to be quite honest, but I also believe that the good things they see will stick longer than the bad ones (I'm hoping). My children have stuck with me and supported me through thick and thin through this. It's not only me that's going to college, the kids are as well. They have seen my pain and sorrow as well as my grand achievements. As low as we have sunk in our home, we have soared just as high. We have learned that no matter what happens, there is always a solution...and that whatever problem arises, it quickly fades. It has taught us, as a family to weather and endure life's peaks and valleys. What lesson in life can be more important then that?
How about that for life lessons?
So...with all that in mind...how could I POSSIBLY quit even though I go out of my mind for 4 months? How could I POSSIBLY know that if I did quit, lessons such as these would be lost? For that reason, I continue my journey to higher education. I will pack my backpack and lunch...eat breakfast while walking out the door...juggle my time between children/books/friends/calling...recite biology while in the shower...write essays while in the emergency room...and multitask the HELL out of myself because I know it's for the greater good...broader perspective...light at the end of the tunnel...yadda...yadda...yadda.
I hope I remember this at 2:30 in the (blesssed) a.m.
Which, I understand, is for the best; however, there is still some dread. With the schedule I have, there is no margin of error. One minute off, and the whole day falls all over itself trying to catch up. I'll have to wake up...get the kids off to school...workout...go to school...come home...do homework...feed the kids...go to bed. Everything has to go off without a hitch...which is why I'm afraid I'm going to lose what little is left of my mind. My "sanity" is going to be worn very thin.
I need a MONSTER just thinking about it.
Why is something that's so great so difficult? This has been on my mind all day. When I was up at 2-blessed-30 this morning, I questioned why I was doing all of this. Why was I going out of my mind worrying about homework...tests...essays...team projects...commute...packing lunches? Coming home just to have to crash for an hour before I can be a mother to my kids. Having to make sure meals are all set up and laundry is squared away...URGH! I could feel it all pile on me. This is what was going through my mind this morning. As much as I realize that 2:30 in the morning isn't really a time in which you should listen to yourself or take any thought that you might have seriously, I knew there was a part of me that was truly questioning my decision. I have my associates degree...I could very well go get a job at the local gym and make a decent amount of money on top of what we already have and get ahead of the game. Why not just quit and get a job?
That would be the easy way to do things.
For those who know ANYTHING about me or my ancestors, we don't know ANYTHING about the easy way. Johnsons know nothing about the easy way and I think, in a sick and twisted way, we LOVE doing things the hard way. A great many of my ancestors lived a hard life; my father included. He told me that he always went hungry. He related to me about one time in particular, there was a candy bar on the side of the road and he ate it because he was starving. I KNOW! That's totally disgusting, but it proves my point...Johnsons are a rough lot.
Me included.
Then I think of what the "hard road" has done for me personally.
Allow me to list a few things:
1. I've earned an associates degree!! This is one thing which I thought I could/would never do. School took too much time and commitment. Did I mention that Johnsons are impatient? Having to think ahead to when the kids are gone from my home and how I was going to take care of myself and help support them later on was (is) a priority. I set a goal and completed it...that, in itself, is ground-breaking.
2. I've learned how to think ahead, plan, and prepare. I'm not perfect, but I have found that planning ahead sure makes things go a lot easier around here. I'm not stressing NEARLY about things when I put some thought into what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, or next month. It is a good feeling to have everything thought out and planned. I'm not perfect at this. Sometimes I get a great system going, but then I don't follow up or something happens and I don't reconfigure new factors into the equation, but I'm getting better at re-evaluating and getting back on track.
3. My organizational skills are improving by leaps and bounds. I can really tell a difference with the coming of this new semester as to how I am getting things into they're place in order to keep chaos at bay. Granted, by the end of the semester, my system is SHOT to HADES, but it doesn't take it long to get back together and I'm really no worse off for the wear.
4. I'm learning to let go of things that don't matter. This counts for the silly knick-knacks I have had laying around that I absolutely HATE as well as the thoughts and feelings of my heart that have gotten in the way of being happy. Getting rid of those heinous items has liberated me and freed me of unnecessary pain. It has allowed me to make room for the knick-knacks/thoughts/feelings that I actually WANT to have laying around which give me a sense of peace and joy.
5. I've learned to make what time I actually DO have quality time. This counts for children, friends, homework, or Snake. Appreciating who I'm with at the time has helped me grow closer to those I love and focus on my relationships (as well as homework). They all have a time and a place and I have learned to make the most of it.
6. I'm learning that my children are watching me. This scares the holy BEJEBUS outta me, to be quite honest, but I also believe that the good things they see will stick longer than the bad ones (I'm hoping). My children have stuck with me and supported me through thick and thin through this. It's not only me that's going to college, the kids are as well. They have seen my pain and sorrow as well as my grand achievements. As low as we have sunk in our home, we have soared just as high. We have learned that no matter what happens, there is always a solution...and that whatever problem arises, it quickly fades. It has taught us, as a family to weather and endure life's peaks and valleys. What lesson in life can be more important then that?
How about that for life lessons?
So...with all that in mind...how could I POSSIBLY quit even though I go out of my mind for 4 months? How could I POSSIBLY know that if I did quit, lessons such as these would be lost? For that reason, I continue my journey to higher education. I will pack my backpack and lunch...eat breakfast while walking out the door...juggle my time between children/books/friends/calling...recite biology while in the shower...write essays while in the emergency room...and multitask the HELL out of myself because I know it's for the greater good...broader perspective...light at the end of the tunnel...yadda...yadda...yadda.
I hope I remember this at 2:30 in the (blesssed) a.m.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I'm too sexy for my...SELF!
Marriage is a sham.
I want to say that, yet I really don't believe it; however, there is a part of it that I wish would fly away to the moon and never return. Having been married at the ripe old age of 19 and never had the 'opportunity' of being on my own until my husband's sudden death (sign of the cross), I would have to say that there were/are/will be many challenges that I have had to overcome BY MYSELF/ON MY OWN that were/are/will be very painful to bear, but my whole point is that each and every ONE of those challenges have brought me out of the protective shell that I lived in so long and showed myself that I am capable of doing things without being "saved by a man". I don't like that term...saved by a man. It denotes to others that I hate men...that they have no purpose...that they are no good. On the contrary...I love them. In fact...I find that in many ways they are kind and helpful...among other things (which is another blog altogether). There is a reason why men and women are different and I enjoy the differences. THAT BEING SAID, in my life I have found that they were too easy to hide behind. To take advantage of their strengths and hide behind my weaknesses. This made my weaknesses weaker. My ability to find my voice and use it was certainly hampered in my relationships and when left alone to lead a family, a great fight within myself ensued.
Will the REAL Esther Wilson please stand up?
So the struggle began. Man Esther vs. Woman Esther was to be the fight of the century. Man Esther doubted Woman Esther and Woman Esther too easily caved into Man Esther. Woman Esther tried so desperately to voice her opinion, but "the man" shot her down. Time after time she would get knocked down only to rise up, shake away the blows, and fight on. Each time Woman Esther would get up, she'd gain more ground. She would increase in confidence and find that...wow!...she could be right! Esther would look in the mirror and each day see a change in herself...a glow...that showed her inner beauty and outer beauty as well. When she walks, she carries herself with grace and a strong confidence. She has found that she has a power that has never been made manifest until struggles and tribulations came around. Not just the struggles of the normal, everyday life...the struggles that are painful. The type that drive a person down to their knees begging for mercy. I have cried out to have some struggles lifted...to have a knight in shining armor come and save me from some of the sadness and loneliness of life. The habit of hiding behind a man seems like the easy solution to some of life's problems and wants to creep back into my life. I'm getting to the point that I can recognize it and remind myself that it's not what I want and kick it to the curb. Sometimes I feel like it's putting things in our 'give away' pile I have in the basement. I decide I don't want it and put it in the pile. Then I see it again and I think, "Oh! I remember that I liked that! I think I want to keep it!". Then I have it again for a small time and remember why I wanted to get rid of it in the first place and put it back in the pile.
Time to take a trip to Good Will.
Esther has done a lot in the past almost 7 years (but who is counting?). She has a 2 year degree...attends a 4 year university (top 10 Catholic University in the nation)...has lost 45 lbs. and kept it off for at least 5 years...raised 5 children; 2 of which are in college (yay!)...and has done it herself with the aid of some FANTASTIC, supportive friends. ...and as in some sick, twisted movie plot...has discovered that there was no "Man Esther" in the first place. Esther had been fighting herself all along.
I want to say that, yet I really don't believe it; however, there is a part of it that I wish would fly away to the moon and never return. Having been married at the ripe old age of 19 and never had the 'opportunity' of being on my own until my husband's sudden death (sign of the cross), I would have to say that there were/are/will be many challenges that I have had to overcome BY MYSELF/ON MY OWN that were/are/will be very painful to bear, but my whole point is that each and every ONE of those challenges have brought me out of the protective shell that I lived in so long and showed myself that I am capable of doing things without being "saved by a man". I don't like that term...saved by a man. It denotes to others that I hate men...that they have no purpose...that they are no good. On the contrary...I love them. In fact...I find that in many ways they are kind and helpful...among other things (which is another blog altogether). There is a reason why men and women are different and I enjoy the differences. THAT BEING SAID, in my life I have found that they were too easy to hide behind. To take advantage of their strengths and hide behind my weaknesses. This made my weaknesses weaker. My ability to find my voice and use it was certainly hampered in my relationships and when left alone to lead a family, a great fight within myself ensued.
Will the REAL Esther Wilson please stand up?
So the struggle began. Man Esther vs. Woman Esther was to be the fight of the century. Man Esther doubted Woman Esther and Woman Esther too easily caved into Man Esther. Woman Esther tried so desperately to voice her opinion, but "the man" shot her down. Time after time she would get knocked down only to rise up, shake away the blows, and fight on. Each time Woman Esther would get up, she'd gain more ground. She would increase in confidence and find that...wow!...she could be right! Esther would look in the mirror and each day see a change in herself...a glow...that showed her inner beauty and outer beauty as well. When she walks, she carries herself with grace and a strong confidence. She has found that she has a power that has never been made manifest until struggles and tribulations came around. Not just the struggles of the normal, everyday life...the struggles that are painful. The type that drive a person down to their knees begging for mercy. I have cried out to have some struggles lifted...to have a knight in shining armor come and save me from some of the sadness and loneliness of life. The habit of hiding behind a man seems like the easy solution to some of life's problems and wants to creep back into my life. I'm getting to the point that I can recognize it and remind myself that it's not what I want and kick it to the curb. Sometimes I feel like it's putting things in our 'give away' pile I have in the basement. I decide I don't want it and put it in the pile. Then I see it again and I think, "Oh! I remember that I liked that! I think I want to keep it!". Then I have it again for a small time and remember why I wanted to get rid of it in the first place and put it back in the pile.
Time to take a trip to Good Will.
Esther has done a lot in the past almost 7 years (but who is counting?). She has a 2 year degree...attends a 4 year university (top 10 Catholic University in the nation)...has lost 45 lbs. and kept it off for at least 5 years...raised 5 children; 2 of which are in college (yay!)...and has done it herself with the aid of some FANTASTIC, supportive friends. ...and as in some sick, twisted movie plot...has discovered that there was no "Man Esther" in the first place. Esther had been fighting herself all along.
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