Quit hiding

Normally, in nature, when an animal is hiding, it is perceiving some sort of threat...right? Fear of being chased...torn open by some larger animal...maimed. It's an act of survival. When an animal is out foraging for food and hears something remotely resembling a noise...it stops what it's doing and holds still. If the noise continues...it will run and hide. If they don't hear anything but still senses danger...it will run and hide. Hiding is nature's way of staying alive. An animal hides because they're afraid.

Strictly speaking by observation...I'm not a squirrel.


However, I do think humans have the same tendencies. I more than 'think', I KNOW.

Last week, I had lunch with a woman I had recently met. She is 6 feet tall and all of it positive energy. Beautiful woman in her late 50's, but looked like she was in her 40's. She has a glow of life about her that if you didn't notice right away...she will make you notice. She is a very vibrant, woman with powerful energy. The first time I shook her hand, I could feel her reading me. She held on to my hand and made eye contact for a long time. I remember thinking...whatever you do, don't let go of her hand and don't move your eyes away from hers...she senses fear.

As we spoke and I opened up more about my life, she told me...

QUIT HIDING.

My first reaction was...I'm not hiding. Then, as it sunk in...I knew she was right. I knew this woman I had only known for a few hours had me pegged. She told me I was too beautiful :) to be hiding away and that it was time for me to reinvent myself. She was right. I'm at the crossroads right now of some financial changes that are FORCING me into a personal re-evaluation.

How many times have I done this?

Many...and I'll be doing it many MORE times. I've come out of hiding so many times in so many ways, and every time I do, I gain experience and confidence. Is it scary? HELL YES! Is it worth it? HELL YES! Every time I do I come out of it looking back at who I was and I'm glad I did it. The process sucks. It hurts. It's torture. It's pain. It's worth it.

So I tell my readers...

QUIT HIDING.

In the beginning...

...there was woman.


How many times can you have a 'beginning'?? I've had several and almost started to think there is something wrong with me or the way I'm doing things. Untrue. We all have our own way of doing things, our own things we have to deal with, and our own dreams and desires to be true to. My question almost always lies with whether my dreams and desire are 'good' or 'right' rather than 'do I have the ability'. 


Why is that an issue?


No...I wouldn't hurt people with my dream. No...I wouldn't do anything immoral. No...I don't want to harm my physical body or spirit.


So................what's holding me back?


I've fought the idea and belief that my gender was an issue. I've slayed the notion that I'm not good enough...not smart enough...not tall enough...not     (fill-in-the-blank)       enough. This question was banished.


So................What's the dream?


My end-all be-all 'this is what I want' is to have enough money and more. I want to pay the bills and have some left over to take care of what I have...my house, kids, and car. That's the bottom level of my dream, because really...I want more than that. I want to be able to travel...go places I used to dream about. I want to support my kids going through college. I want to have only nice things that I love in my home...and not have that $15 black shelf from Walmart be the focal point in my room. I want to be financially in a situation to help others when they need it...as so many have helped me. When a woman comes and asks me for $10 to help with gas, I want to take her to the gas station and fill it up then buy her lunch. I want to be able to fly my sister to an exotic getaway where she can sip on endless amounts of brightly colored alcoholic beverages while I do shots of Monster energy drinks. When my children need clothes, I want to be able to take them clothes shopping without a limit.  I want to continue my education...know all there is to learn. I want a backyard with a beautiful swimming pool kept by lean, tan, and muscular pool boys. I want the neighbors to gossip about me and have to be nice to my face. I want to work hard...with my own company...and employ my friends with great salaries and excellent benefits. I want to buy that island in Hawaii.


So.................Where do I start?


Well...I have already started. I've started and re-started. Frankly, I am getting tired of hashing and re-hashing this question; however, I've decided that it's part of the process. It's a way of 'huddling up' with yourself...'re-grouping'...'re-focusing' on the great plan, where I'm at, and make changes if need be. Just as an artist makes minor adjustments to their art...I make adjustments to my work.  Even small seemingly unnoticeable changes can change your direction and refine your outcome. Even though I can't do all those things described above right this minute...even though I've been working for years on this project called my career...doesn't mean I'm not on the right track.


I'm right where I need to be.

To achieve or not to achieve...

...that isn't the question.


So, for those of you who've been following and patiently awaiting my next post...here it is. For those of you who are NEW and/or didn't get the memo, this is an ongoing blog about a girl, her dead husband, their 5 kids, and the cat Snake. Snake isn't so much the family cat as he is mine; however, that is the subject of another blog.


I say that this isn't really the question because I've already decided. After finishing my second year at the University of Dayton, one of the top ten Catholic universities in the nation, I have found that I'm in a state of complete and utter burnout. I have to explain that this past year was the year of the chemistry. In the Chinese calendar, there is no 'year of the chemistry' because they took it out. I have it in good confidence that it was SO evil, that they not only took it out of the calendar...they are FORBIDDEN to speak of it. I am under no obligation; therefore, I am alive to tell you that I lived through this hell...and that it was NOT pretty.

SO...

...after having almost dropping out of school twice, staying up many nights and not sleeping, and consuming mass amounts of Monster energy drinks then taking Nyquil shots at night in order to get some sleep...I can tell you that though the first semester of the hated chemistry with the evil jerk professor from hell who challenged me and took no prisoners (that we know of) was tougher than I had expected and I came out with a C- (Carbon with a negative charge for those chemistry nerds out there).  Though that wasn't the greatest grade to earn, I didn't feel like I needed to retake the class, so I chalked it up as a win.  That was only the first half of the chemistry series, so I wasn't out of the proverbial woods yet.  I took the second half of the series and after much struggle and a LOT of studying and praying to the chemistry god...offering up everything I could legally get away with...I ended up with an A- out of both the class and the lab.  Dr. Petry and Mike were both gifts from God...no lie. ANYHOW...it was a long ass year that tested my endurance. I came out battered and bruised.

The real question to ask is...What does this have to do with achieving?

Lots, actually. After I was done with the year...son graduated (Yay!), earned his Eagle Scout (Yay!), and off to Israel...I was bummed, alone, emotionally drained, and all the motivation was drained out of me. I still have yet another year and a half left of school and so many friends have moved on to graduate and have great jobs with huge salaries and I'm not done and broke. 

...which is a painful place to be.

So the last few days I've really had to decide what I want and decide to power through this painful period. My mom and dad have always said that we have the wrong last name if we want to have money.  That's BULLSHIT at its finest (yes...I said it...and I'm not sorry). I don't believe that for a minute anymore. I think a small thinker began that myth as an excuse not to get anywhere.  It actually makes me angry. That was the mentality I grew up with. It has taken me so many years and tears in order to finally understand that I am capable of making something of myself. I just can't believe the nerve of someone placing that limitation on their child like that...and trust me...there were so many other limitations; however, that's another blog.

So...

...for you, my loyal fans, I found a wonderful article from Psychology Today--->How Do High Achievers Really Think? which has wonderful insight on achieving and what goes on inside of the brains of high achievers. I believe that it takes practice, patience, and powering through some of our own individual thought processes; however, it is possible to be a high achiever!

Failure...

...is in the eyes of the beholder.

Hawaii...

...or BUST!

Yeah...I'm resurrecting an old dream...to go to school in Hawaii.  Not many people know of this dream.  My sister was surprised. "Mom and Dad will be pissed!" she said.

One good reason to do it then!

You know...I never really realized how contrary I am. Or how rebellious I am.  Or how stubborn I am.  I always thought that I portrayed myself as the devoted, doting, sweet, angelic, favorite daughter.  I mean, I did what I was told (or so they thought).  There weren't many times when I actually went toe-to-toe with my Dad and my Mom was so relaxed about what she wanted that there was no NEED to fight her.  So, really, I didn't push the proverbial envelope to see how really rebellious I could be.

Boy, have I done it now!

Yeah...my parents halfway expected me to move back after my husband died and now that it's been 7 years, they are more of the attitude of "When you're through throwing your fit and move back home...", which isn't quite how it is.

Although some days I feel as if I'm here just to piss them off.

Boy, wouldn't flying past Utah in order to move out of the continental United States really chap their hide (I'm almost giggling as I type that).  After I graduated with my Associate's my mother said to me, "Are you going to get a REAL job now?" as if working my @$$ off for my education wasn't important.  THEN when I started on my Bachelor's she said she'd ALLOW me to finish school and then expects me to move back.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Allow me.  ALLOW me!  She's so funny.  I don't remember asking her permission.  But she's 77 and I love her, so we'll let her live out the fantasy that she'll "allow" me to get my schooling done.

But who said I was finished?

Yeah...I liked the idea of having an Associate Degree.  I LOVE the idea of having a Bachelor Degree.  The thought of having a MASTER Degree really makes me tingle.  Especially getting it in Hawaii.  What an atmosphere for learning!

...and for playing.

I still have a few years before I can really make this one a reality, but as far as goals go, this is a good one for down the road.  Finish up school here in Dayton.  Maybe I could even spend a few years in Salt Lake with the parents and get my Master's at the U of U then go off to Hawaii for a few years without the burden of studying.  Oh...and I can't forget touring America on a Honda with my cat....but all in due time.  I have some years left on me for the things I've wanted to do and my household is shrinking, so that frees me up.  Finally, I have some excitement for the future and it doesn't seem so bleak.  I can make it what I want to be...

...one step closer to a native.

Superman...

...is alive and well.

I met him at the club last week.

"Wow!"...you say.  "When did he fly into town?"...you ask.

I'll tell you the story.  Sit back and relax for a minute.  Cuddle up to your blanket and sink down deep into your pillow. 

So...the plan last Saturday night was for my friend and I to try out this new club in town.  When we go out...it's usually at the same place and we thought we'd shake things up and get a little crazy.  So I put on my pink satin topped dress with a black skirt and yes...I was looking awful good.  I meet my friend at her place and we head out clubbin'.  Clubbing in Dayton, Ohio isn't the CLASSIEST thing to do; especially if you end up downtown, but it's a cheap, fun night away from the fam and I enjoy it.  The lights, the loud music...I feel like home when I'm there.
We go from her house to one club and it was a TOTAL yawn-fest so we decide to try the new place.  After parking the car, we stroll down the street toward the club and peek in the window of the entrance.  Immediately the bouncer and I made eye contact and he rushes to open the door for us.  Pretty presumptive, I thought.  What made him think we'd be going in THERE (even though we were, but still!)?  So I asked him.  He said we were too fine of ladies to be walking around on the streets.  OK, cute Mister Bouncer...nice save.  So he tells me, while checking my I.D., that if I get bored I can come back and talk with him if I'd like.  OK...so maybe I will...I'm thinking.  "What's the cover charge?" I ask.  "Just go in." he replies.  This IS true love.
So we're in there no more than  2 minutes and the guys start hounding us.  There was one man in particular who wouldn't leave my friend alone.  Old, drunk, and he didn't speak a WORD of english.  Between the two of us we couldn't decipher anything he was saying.  We lose him a few times, but he always found his way back.  Finally, we were sitting and here he comes again.  He must've thought that if he spoke louder and used more hand gestures we would be able to understand him...nope.  We told him many times that we couldn't understand him and our confused looks should've been a sign, but he kept trying.  My friend left to dance and I was left with the man.  Well, the bouncer was checking out the floor and throwing bottles away.  I knew he was around, but didn't really realize how closely he was watching because out of nowhere he comes in between me and the old man...quicker than lightning.  One minute I'm sitting there with the old man hanging out and the next minute my head is pressed pretty close to the bouncer's chest while he's cleaning off the bar separating me from the dance floor.  What a relief! I told the bouncer, "You are my hero...like Superman!".  What the bouncer was about to say changed my life forever.  He said, "You DESERVE a Superman." and kept wiping the counters.  When he said that I thought for sure he was going to rip off his shirt and expose his Superman suit.  I was dumb-founded.  There wasn't a thing I could think of to say...I was in awe.  Not sure what I was thinking when he said that...all I could do was process what he said.  It registered as a good thing because right away I got the warm-fuzzies you always hear about.  My feminist alter-ego was not offended by his statement, either, which kind of surprised me...she has an itchy trigger finger and sometimes gives off false alarms.  His statement was sweet, kind, and respectful (oh...and sexy, too). 
At the end of the night, he tells me his name and that I should come back.  He didn't pressure me for my phone number...he didn't overdo it on the compliments; however, he DID let me know he was interested and he DID show me that he believed in what he said by following it up with action.  He isn't ripped with muscles nor do his teeth sparkle when he talks, but a great deal of his character came out in only a few words that he said.

Will I go back to the club?  Yes...tomorrow night.  Am I a little nervous that he may not live up to what I think he is in my mind?  Not really...Because you can't fake what he did for me or said to me.  Those type of things can only happen in the moment.  If he was a fake and a fraud, it wouldn't have happened and he couldn't have come up with those words like he did.  He must really believe that I deserve something good or he wouldn't have said what he did.

It was really nice to hear.

I've had many guys try.  They think they're pretty cool or being charming and smooth (the operative word is THINK).  This bouncer wasn't TRYING.  He was genuine in his words and actions. We'll see what happens with this, but even if nothing does I feel like I have more of an understanding about my self-worth.

Like the world needs me to feel even MORE better about myself!

Choices...choices...choices...

...life is FULL of them!

Do I have hamburgers or chicken for dinner?  Would grey or white tile look better in the bathroom?  The Green Lantern or Captain America?  In life, we're constantly faced with choices.

Hey!  I didn't say they'd be EASY!

 

Well...I've stumbled on a new outlook on the word 'choices'...and by "stumbled", I mean "fell and hit like a ton of bricks".  You know those life lessons...the kind where you feel like you are at the end of that proverbial rope and you can't seem to grab a hold of any type of sanity and your whole world feels as though it is falling apart and every time something bad or big happens is such a burden and you become overwhelmed at even the tiniest of duties?

Or is it just me?

Well...I was talking to a friend about how I have these moments of power...strength...confidence.  So powerful are these feelings that I would SWEAR that I could lift buildings...I could get or do anything I wanted.  Soon after I feel these feelings something happens and I crash and burn.  This has caused me a great deal of frustration to say the least.  Why can't I keep these feelings?  Why can I feel on top of the world one moment only to fall to the bottom of the pit the next?  

A little help, please!

As I was pondering one day, it dawned on me...I can make the CHOICE to keep that feeling with me.  Why not try it?  I know it sounds like crazy talk, I mean, we can't control our circumstances...but we can control how we react to them.  This has been something I've heard for YEARS, but it just dawned on me how to apply it.  I really, honestly thought that it was the Fountain of Youth...something a person could search for, yet could never find because it never existed.  What?  You mean to tell me that you can be happy in ANY circumstance?  Huh?  You can CHOOSE not to get mad over things?

I'd burn myself at the stake for heresy for such beliefs...

BUT...it can happen.  Since I've tried this 'new technique' I haven't felt out of control.  I haven't felt that I need someone to help me take care of things because I have power.  I haven't felt overwhelmed because I have the strength to face things.  I have empowered myself and given myself permission to be happy...release bitterness...embrace happiness...because of my CHOICE not to let things control me, but to control my reactions.

Now...that Green Lantern and Captain America debate is a little tougher...

Self-talk...

...which shouldn't be confused with talking to yourself.

Self-talk is positive thinking reinforced by vocalizing those thoughts which transfer into positive action.
Talking to yourself is just to hear yourself say something.

Did that make sense?

So I've decided that it seems as if I'm doing a great deal of said "self-talk" lately...which is crazy because it's not like I have to be actually doing something difficult...it's summer for crying out loud!  Only...I've found my nemesis which is worse than any semester of college that I have done thus far...

WAITING.

I had a discussion with a friend of mine not too long ago and I told her that "to wait" was not an action.  She disagreed...quickly.  Especially if you add an adverb or phrase such as "patiently" or "with patience".


Which almost NEVER happens!



 Here I am...in the middle of summer...in my (mostly) Junior/(almost) Senior year of my undergrad...not having to work (yet)...wondering when my life is going to 'begin' (because, of course, burying a husband, raising 5 kids, and earning a degree from a top ranked Catholic university isn't LIVING...right?).  I've had to use this concept of "self-talk" to slow down my pace and look back at my grand achievements and tell myself that it's all leading up to something great.


...(turning down Playboy)...


So...until that happens...I (am trying to) look at each day as a step to that (arrow pointing at 'turning down Playboy') end.  I have to make myself believe that not only the hard work and dedication I put into working to shape my physique around that goal, but the everyday...mundane...dullness...doing the dishes...weeding...the list goes on...is also part of getting to that goal as well.  Everyday I'm ONE day closer to where I want to be...

 ...'Nuff said...

Progress...

...is a dish best served cold.

Wait...I think that's 'revenge'. 

Progress feels 'cold' sometimes, though...and revenge can LEAD to progress as a motivator. 

I KNEW there was a connection.

Progress and I have a love/hate relationship.  I LOVE to see progress and progress LOVES to push me beyond my limits...which I HATE.  Although I've been told I love a challenge...there is that part of me that faces it with dread.  It might be because I'm not in my 'comfort zone' and anything else feels 'icky'.  I will, however, admit that when a challenge sets in I do dig my heels in and really work hard to make it happen.

...and usually it does.

So why don't I have more confidence that I can overcome a challenge?  I don't know...except that I fight against myself for some reason.  Maybe I'm afraid to succeed...or afraid that I'll finally find a point where I won't/can't make it happen and I will fail.  Not sure...jury is still out on that one.  Let's just say that I do know that I fight myself and leave it at that.

...and the winner is...

The answer is a little tricky because to say that I win either way is false.  I don't win when I decide not to try, yet the part of me that says she doesn't want to try does a little happy dance when I cave.  Let's sum things up...I won when I decided to work on losing weight.  I won when I decided to take those stupid entrance exams at the local community college.  I won when I got my associate's degree (in the mail, mind you, but I still earned it!).  I won when I, single-handedly, applied and got accepted into the University of Dayton (one of the top 10 Catholic university in the nation), I won when I completed my first year at said 4 year university.  All of this while keeping weight off and raising 5 kids.

Winning.

So, when I say that progress is a dish best served cold, I guess it means that progress takes time and if you think you are going to eat a bowl of piping hot progress...think again.  Once in a while you are able to take a bite of it warm and savor the taste...and it makes you want more.  But you'll find that, like some foods, progress is better cold.

Like ice cream.

Capabilities...

...are over rated.

Do we really want to know what we're capable of?  This is what happens when we push ourselves to that limit and succeed...we have to work harder to be better.

Key words: work harder.

I found this out on my morning runs.  When I first began, I couldn't get all around the park without stopping.  After a run or two...I finally got all around the park and farther without stopping.  This could only mean one thing...

...I had to run longer to get better

You'd think I'd be OK with this since I'm all about self-improvement and working yourself into being a better whatever you are.  I guess I was hoping that once I reached a goal, then everything else would just fall into place.

Boy, was I wrong!

Once you break through something difficult and move on to the 'other side', the work becomes harder and you have to be more diligent and want it more than you did before.  You also see that you did that tough thing...you must be able to do tougher things then...and you push the limits more.  Perhaps this drive makes up for the extra work you have to do.  I don't know...I haven't really looked into that, but it makes sense. 

Is there some sort of physics lesson here?...work makes more work.

Anyhow, once you think you're done, you're not.  Stop that thought in its track and remember that its never done.  I'm trying to look at it in a positive light, but I have a Nyquil (registered trademark) hangover from last night and it's not working well for me. Besides the fact that I've realized recently that I'm really, REALLY capable in so many ways.

Dammit.

Death and Taxes...

...you can't run from either.

This is coming from a pro on both subjects.

I just got back from talking to the tax people about paying my property taxes.  She printed my papers and calculated how much I would owe over the course of the next few years. 

Her ink was red...how ironic.

My favorite line of the conversation was, "So...does that look like a figure you can come up with?"

Yeah...if I choose the right CORNER!

It amazes me how calm I am.  I really didn't get angry...I haven't cried (yet)...and I (probably) won't take it out on my kids.  It just dawned on me that I haven't blamed my dead husband yet!  That really seems blasphemous, but it's the first on my list when anything bad/hard/hateful happens in my life...I blame the dead husband.  It makes me mad that he got out of taxes by way of dying.  Really?  Come ON!  That's taking the EASY way out! 

But I'm not bitter.

So...I can say honestly that I've faced both death and taxes HEAD ON.  I can honestly say that I do not like either one of them, but they can be worked with and worked around and worked through...and when July 20th comes around and I hand over that large sum of money that the taxman requires that I pay, I will smile and thank the woman for her help.

Then go take a shot of Nyquil.

The Science/Art of Sacrifice...

...in a paragraph of 365 words or more.

I know, this should be interesting.

So I was jogging in the park one day and it dawned on me...I was doing something I hated (running) for the greater good (fat loss).

And I wasn't sure it was worth it.

My mind was drawn to sacrifice and how the art/science of it was lost in people these days.  Society teaches the quick fix...the easy way out/in...the "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" mentality (Thank you, Janet Jackson, for putting into song).  If we're not going to get something tangible out of something...and get it quick...we're not going to do it nor SHOULD we do it because things should come a little easier.

That's what SHE said.

So, as I was running and thinking about how I HATED to run and how runners always have that look of pain on their faces as they pound the pavement, I was also thinking that with sacrificing you have to give up something that is important and valuable (for me, it was NOT to run)...and the benefits will outweigh what you put into it (lean physique in order to turn down Playboy).  That's the science of it.  Easy enough, right?

The art of it is a little more difficult.

In my humble opinion, the ART of sacrifice is the application.  The art of sacrifice is molding and sculpting what you want to sacrifice into everyday life in order to get the desired results.  It's the trial and error of it all.  It's the guts and glory of determination and discipline...knowing what works and if it doesn't, scrap it and try something new.  It's the giving up ___(fill-in-the-blank)___ until it hurts and then some.  It's the NOT giving up and giving into those inner voices that tell you to stop because you can't do it.  It's the training to listen to that inner voice and the confidence to apply what you feel and think you should do even when others around you are scratching their heads wondering what the hell you are doing or why you are doing it.

Most of the time I am the one that gets in the way of myself...

Using your inner intuition and mastering sacrifice is when you really see results. Allowing yourself to mess up once in a while and changing your mindset is part of the process. It is a process...and it takes time...but it is worth it, whatever it is.  From losing weight or going to school or finishing that project that you've been working on for the longest time...nothing worth while ever came easily.

...and so I run...

Man and the Modern Woman...

That would make a great book title if it isn't already.

My dishwasher isn't working, so I've been washing my dishes the "old-fashioned" way...by hand.  I actually don't mind it, really...although it has given me some time to think...

...and that's dangerous.

I can be totally honest about a great deal of my flaws and one of them is that I tend to generalize.  This isn't a good thing, really, because you can't just place a set of characteristics on, say, gender, to cover that one gender.  Why do I pick out gender?  Easy.

Because I'm sexist.

Not in the "all-men-are-pigs" way, but in the "all-men-_(fill-in-the-blank)_" way.  Maybe this wouldn't be considered to be sexist to some, but I do just because it's using an essentialist type of thinking toward men...that men are a certain way and women are a certain way...and that is how it is.

I'm trying to reform.

Anyhow...as I was washing the dishes, in my angry mood, and I caught myself thinking about the men I've dated...as I sometimes do...and I was trying to lump them all (4 of them) in the same category, which was unfair, but I couldn't help but wonder what it is about me that seems to repel or scare or ward or deter myself from any type of relationship.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself nor do I feel as if I have to 'change' for someone...if that's the case, I WILL end up being alone for the rest of my life because that WILL NOT happen.  I like who I am and who I am aiming to be.  What I'm saying, is that I wonder what type of guy would be attracted to a woman like me...a modern woman...who would rather bring home the bacon than fry it up in a pan.  A soft, sensitive type...who does windows and would stay home with the kids?  A "go...get 'em" type that would need to keep up with me?  A laid back kind who could even me out? 

Whoever it is...I'm not sure that he's ready.  I'm quite a handful.

Inspiration...

...is sometimes over-rated.

I say that because I have noticed that I have not had any in a while.

(_______________<------inappropriate comment here)

But what I HAVE noticed is that, over time, things are coming together anyway.  That change doesn't happen with that sudden burst of genius, but great and lasting change happens over time.  It happens with small and simple changes in the way you think and the way you react to circumstances.  Sometimes you have these monumental things that happen in life which requires cataclysmic (I know, big word!) changes in how you do things or how you think...but mostly, the changes take place in the everyday instances which require stupid patience.

I'm not a patient person.

I like to be doing things to make things better, so when you tell me it's rest time or to wait...

STEP BACK or DUCK.

'Cause I really don't want to hear it.

I like to have things the way I want them...and I want things done fast...and I want them done yesterday.  It doesn't mean that's a bad thing...I don't think.  If I didn't have this flaw irritating wonderful part of my persona, I don't think I would have gotten this far with school or with raising kids on my own or anything else I've accomplished. 

Someone make it stop!

Don't get me wrong...I think there were/are many times I feel inspired, but I don't believe that inspiration alone will get the job done.  It takes hard work and dedication.

You can quote me on that when I turn down Playboy.




 

Lone Eve in the Garden of Weedin'...

...I know, catchy title.  There is a story behind it though.  You see...
I planted 4 tomato plants; therefore, I farm.

Yeah...for some reason, I've caught the "I-want-to-plant-things" bug and thought it would be a good idea to get the backyard all nice and fixed up while trying to plant a small garden in the back 40.  I don't really intend on HARVESTING anything from my small tomato factories, I just wanted to say, "Hey! I tried!".

And I am trying!...ask anyone.

So, this last weekend I've hoed and weeded and tilled and weeded some more.  My hands are a little blistered and underneath my nails have dirt captured (and scrub as I might...won't let go of the tiny carbon-based particles).  But it's 'whatever'...right?  Because the more blisters and more dirt under my nails I accumulate, the more die-hard and hardcore I am...right?  'Cause it's all about hard work, blood, sweat, and tears...right?  That's what my father always taught me.  Today, I thought for SURE I grabbed a hold of some poison ivy.  "Leaves of 3...let them be". The minute I let go of the vine I kinda looked at my hands for a moment or two, rubbed some dirt in it, and kept weeding. 

 Daddy would be proud.

The main purpose of weeding wasn't to farm 4 tomato plants...oh no.  My whole intent was to purge the area behind my garage of weeds in order for me to have a nice 'secret garden'-type of spot where I can go and just sit.  I'm going to sanctify the garden with reverent flowers and a holy water fountain and...as the final touch...a statue of St. Francis of Assisi. 

Because that's where all the dead animals are buried.

I've been thinking about this for a while.  Because I'm single, I feel like I have more of a duty to myself and my self-respect to work hard to make my home a nice place to be.  I hate to say this, and many may GASP, but I'm not buying that "man-was-not-made-to-be-alone" bit.  MAN maybe couldn't live alone.  I've seen many men divorce/widow then get remarried only a year or two after the break-up/death.  I've been doing this for 7 stinkin' years and the bills have gotten paid, floods have gotten cleaned up after a hard rain, the driveway gets shoveled time after time during the winter, kids have been fed, homework has been completed...I could go on...and the work gets done, but it won't be because Mr. Right did it.  I think Mr. Right is waiting for all the work to be done and THEN he'll show up!

Typical.

Brainstorming...

...not to be confused with brainWASHING.

Brainstorming is when you clean out your brain.
Brainwashing is when you are stuffing junk INTO your brain that shouldn't be there.

So I've decided that's my next step.  I've done this before...I have a system.
I pull out a notebook...usually a new one...so I can 'start fresh' with my 'new frame of mind'.  Next, I label the notebook...depending on what my 'new frame of mind' is.  Once, it was...

Esther's Book of Ideas

That was in my not-creative 'frame of mind'.  Labeling can make or break your brainstorming, so be careful.  This one still sits empty collecting dust under my bed.

 

The next step is very crucial.  I'm a visual person.  I like to have things appeal to me visually (which explains my fascination with Dwayne Johnson...but that's another blog altogether...).  

 

Mmmmmmmmmm...he sure is pretty.

So then I add pictures that stimulate my creativity.  Sometimes I draw them...sometimes I cut and paste (many Muscle & Fitness magazines have been sacrificed to the brainstorming god...but they will have not suffered needlessly).  

 

I also add valuable quotes...motivational and inspirational...which stir ambition and determination to stick with the program. 

The last part of the system, which I have really never gotten to...it's like the Holy Grail of my process.  This part of the system is where I buckle down and actually DO the brainstorming.  I start on an empty page of the notebook and write down what I want to do and where I want to be in 5 years.

That's where I'm at...RIGHT. NOW.  I'm at the brainstorming portion of the program.  This is the toughest part for me.  I was a stay-at-home mom for 14 years thinking that's what I'd be doing for the rest of my life.

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The joke was on ME!

 

It doesn't mean I can't do it.  It just means I have to come out of that *&%# comfort zone AGAIN and re-define and re-invent myself.  This process used to scare me and I used to really hate it.  Now, I like who it's making me into.  So...I'll brainstorm.

Who knows...it might lead me to...

 

...THIS guy one day!

I'm not a "Health Nut"...

...I'm a "Fitness Snob".

Let's just get that straight right now.

Health nuts are people who incorporate healthy living in order to live happy lives.
Fitness snobs incorporate healthy living in order to look good.

Don't get me wrong...I'm happy being healthy, that's not my point.  My point is, that I like to look good.  I like walking into the gym with my tank top on and watch the reactions of people.  Sometimes they cast their eyes downward so as not to make eye contact.  Sometimes the really brave ones say 'hi'.  Sometimes they just watch me walk across the room, or watch me lift some weights like I'm the freak show I believe myself to be.

...and I really like it.

That's not totally what makes me a fitness snob.  What makes me a fitness snob, is the fact that I look at other people.  Generally not with judgement in mind (GENERALLY...), but I look at people and think..."Hmmmm...their butt is a little flabby and their arms flap.  Nothing that some squats, tricep pressdowns, and 40 minutes of cardio daily for a month couldn't help with.".  THIS is the mindset of a fitness snob.

Fitness snobs also have certain phrases and statements that...DRIVE. THEM. CRAZY.
For instance, when someone says...

1. "Muscle weighs more than fat."...UGH! A pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat!  Muscle is more DENSE than fat...a pound of muscle takes up less space than a pound of fat, but they weigh the same.
2. "I ate 1000 calories a day for 2 weeks and haven't lost a pound!  I don't know what I'm doing wrong."...DOUBLE UGH!  You're not eating enough!  You're body thinks it's starving.  The way your body burns fat is like a fire in a fireplace.  If you don't put logs on the fire the fire will burn out.  If you're not eating enough calories, you're body will think it's starving and hold onto your fat as food storage.  You've got to eat to lose weight.
3. "I found some stuff on the internet that if I take once a day it will help me lose weight and I don't have to exercise or watch what I eat!"...ARGH!  It doesn't WORK like that!  The only way to lose weight is to create a calorie deficit...take in (slightly) less then you're putting out.  Hard work and eating healthy is the OONNNLLYYYY way to go.
4. Women say..."I don't want to lift weights because it'll make me bulk up and look like a man."...*rolling eyes*...Unless you are taking ANABOLIC STEROIDS, you will not bulk up.  You will be building muscle which uses more calories...so you will be burning more calories at rest...so you will burn fat faster...so you will lose weight FASTER...which is what you want!  ALSO, not to mention that lifting weights will lower your risk for osteoporosis because it makes your bones more dense.  Are you sold yet?

...to name ONLY a few.

So, I'm off to the gym.  I have my tank top on...shorts...hair down and sassy...ready to walk through the doors and wait for the stares that come after years of hard work.

THIS is the payoff for the fitness snob.

Passion...

...but not the kind YOU'RE thinking of.

Passion n. a great liking or enthusiasm.

THAT'S the definition I wanted...a big "THANK YOU" to Webster's Dictionary!

(Although...I'm good with the other definition as well, but don't get me started!)

Passion has been on my mind a lot lately because, heck, it's summer...school is over...I need to start moving my career in 'A' direction...ANY direction.  I just wanna get started on SOMETHING!  So, I've been talking with a good friend and it was brought up that finding out what you're passionate about is where you need to start in order to get started in a career...business...livelihood...whatever you want to call it. 
So I asked myself, "Self...what are you passionate about?"
"Well...I look in the mirror a lot."  I replied.
 "True," I said, trying not to laugh full out loud, "but how could we make money off of that?"
"You didn't ask that," my self replied, "you only asked what I'm passionate about.
I left it alone.  Sometimes you just have to leave things alone when you sense an argument coming on.
"OK...what else?" I asked.
I ended up making a list...

Passions

Monster energy drinks

Looking at myself in the mirror

Men Dwayne Johnson

Stripper heels

Getting some sort of pierce/tattoo

After writing these things out, I realized it was more of a "to-do" or "to-get" list and not so much of a "what-I-want-to-achieve-in-my-career" list.  I mean, if this were an ACTUAL passion list and I could coordinate all of these passions into a business, it would be me slamming down Monsters in stripper heels with Dwayne Johnson while looking in the mirror at my pierce/tattoo.  Which is all well and good, but I doubt anyone would want to pay money for that...

...or WOULD they...?

To train or not to train...

Ever want something so badly...but you don't know why?...or if it's the "right thing to do"?  Not sure where that 'wonder if it's the right thing to do' mentality came from except that it would make me leaner and meaner than I am now and that could be a dangerous thing.  I have decided to go ahead and train to become a better, leaner, and more confident me and I will tell you why...

1). I have come to far to NOT train.  For those who know me, I have risen as a Phoenix out of the ashes.  It has been a personal journey of wins and losses; of joy and pain; of achievement and triumph.

2). It will help me help others.  How can I tell someone that they have to climb a little higher to reach a goal when I'm not willing to do that myself?  Doesn't seem right...and I'll know the fears they will face because I have faced them.

3). I want that level of discipline in my life.  It seems to me that having that control over your mind and body you can do some marvelous things...BIG things...important things.  Helping others is top on my list...but I think the possibilities are endless.

4). I will be honest...and this may seem vain, but I want others to say..."DAMN!".  Not..."Damn, she looks great for her age!" but, "DAMN! She looks great [period...end of story]". 

5). To add it to my crowning achievements that I have worked so hard for.  I have not sat idly by and passively allowed life to take me where it wants me to go.  I have worked diligently to progress on a personal level to become closer to self-actualization...it makes sense that my body should reflect how I feel inside.  I would be doing myself a disservice to limit who I am personally.

Those are the "why's" as to the reason for my training, but what is the "what" you ask?

I plan on turning down Playboy.

The Chapel bells seem to say to me...

Today I heard the Chapel bells from the 6th floor of the library. This is something rare since I almost never hear them; I'm usually in the building when they chime. I sat down at the round study table with the sun shining from the window with the Chapel in full view when I heard them today; it was providence. I love the Chapel. Its blue dome top holds the cross high and proud. It has become my symbol of every reason why I began school at the University of Dayton. I'm not Catholic...not at all...but having their symbol of faith around every corner, I have kind of adopted it as my own in a way. It is a sign of faith and hope. It has withstood the test of time and it represents more than a church, but sacrifice. Sacrifice. That's what I have been doing to come here. I have given up my time and money, fear, and have challenged my family legacy. For these reasons, the Chapel has special meaning to me and when I sit at the round study table with the sun streaming through the window and see the dome of the Chapel holding the cross high, it gives me comfort. I know I'm in the right place...in the 6th floor of the library studying.