Wednesday, January 26, 2011

All the single ladies...

So, WHAT does a single lady, who wants to keep herself unspotted from the world-type thing, handle living alone do?

Shoot...I was hoping YOU'D have the answer.

I've far from got it right.  AND I DOUBT that by the end of this blog I will have some epiphany.  In fact...I KNOW I won't.  Here it is...9 p.m....on a school night...home from a long day and almost the weekend.  How am I going to get through the night?  Already I'm thinking I'll just go to bed and ask God to please knock me out.  It seems that even just thinking about wanting someone by my side isn't going to help the situation...it just hurts more.

"they aren't worth the trouble"
"it's like raising another kid"
"I just want mine to take a vacation so I can have time to myself"
"but you're single...you should be having fun"
"you don't need one...you're not ready"

Ever hear any of those?
Ever want to punch someone in the face because they've said that to you?
Ever have repeated them over and over and over until you ALMOST believe it?
Ever cried yourself to sleep because it hurts so bad because your heart feels like it's being slammed onto the ground and stomped on and crushed into bits of flesh?

The fact is, I'm a single woman who doesn't sleep around.  I don't go to clubs or bars.  I go to school, raise my kids, and on Sunday do my church duties.  I've been doing this for almost 7 years now.  I can't say that I'm a perfect woman or that I should be canonized into sainthood...far from it.  I'm a woman that has to do what she has to do in order to improve her situation and I'll do it when it hurts.

It hurts.

"keep doing what's right and God will bless you"
"stay busy and you won't have time to worry about it"
"it's not time right NOW, but one day you'll find someone...I just know it"
"he's just not here yet"
"you should be happy alone or with someone"
"once you stop looking then you'll find someone"

Ever hear any of those?
Ever want to punch someone in the face because they've said that to you?
Ever have repeated them over and over and over until you ALMOST believe it?
Ever cried yourself to sleep because it hurts so bad because your heart feels like it's being slammed onto the ground and stomped on and crushed into bits of flesh?

Just sorting things out.  I'll keep this blog and repost it again, I'm sure.  I don't expect a solution.  In fact...a warning to the wise...DO NOT POST A SOLUTION.  I will unfriend you, hide you, or whatever I have to do in order to cut you off from my virtual world.  This is MY world.  I can do what I want with it.  If you really want to help, then just post a sad face and I'll know you commiserate with me.  That's all I need.  For now, I'm going to bed and ask God to knock me out.  I'll be one more day closer to something better.

Monday, January 17, 2011

I'm cheap, but DEFINITELY not easy...

School starts tomorrow...

Which, I understand, is for the best; however, there is still some dread.  With the schedule I have, there is no margin of error.  One minute off, and the whole day falls all over itself trying to catch up.  I'll have to wake up...get the kids off to school...workout...go to school...come home...do homework...feed the kids...go to bed.  Everything has to go off without a hitch...which is why I'm afraid I'm going to lose what little is left of my mind.  My "sanity" is going to be worn very thin.

I need a MONSTER just thinking about it.

Why is something that's so great so difficult?  This has been on my mind all day.  When I was up at 2-blessed-30 this morning, I questioned why I was doing all of this.  Why was I going out of my mind worrying about homework...tests...essays...team projects...commute...packing lunches?  Coming home just to have to crash for an hour before I can be a mother to my kids.  Having to make sure meals are all set up and laundry is squared away...URGH!  I could feel it all pile on me.  This is what was going through my mind this morning.  As much as I realize that 2:30 in the morning isn't really a time in which you should listen to yourself or take any thought that you might have seriously, I knew there was a part of me that was truly questioning my decision.  I have my associates degree...I could very well go get a job at the local gym and make a decent amount of money on top of what we already have and get ahead of the game.  Why not just quit and get a job?

That would be the easy way to do things.

For those who know ANYTHING about me or my ancestors, we don't know ANYTHING about the easy way.  Johnsons know nothing about the easy way and I think, in a sick and twisted way, we LOVE doing things the hard way.  A great many of my ancestors lived a hard life; my father included.  He told me that he always went hungry.  He related to me about one time in particular, there was a candy bar on the side of the road and he ate it because he was starving.  I KNOW!  That's totally disgusting, but it proves my point...Johnsons are a rough lot.

Me included.

Then I think of what the "hard road" has done for me personally. 
Allow me to list a few things:
1. I've earned an associates degree!!  This is one thing which I thought I could/would never do.  School took too much time and commitment.  Did I mention that Johnsons are impatient?  Having to think ahead to when the kids are gone from my home and how I was going to take care of myself and help support them later on was (is) a priority.  I set a goal and completed it...that, in itself, is ground-breaking.
2. I've learned how to think ahead, plan, and prepare.  I'm not perfect, but I have found that planning ahead sure makes things go a lot easier around here.  I'm not stressing NEARLY about things when I put some thought into what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, or next month.  It is a good feeling to have everything thought out and planned.  I'm not perfect at this.  Sometimes I get a great system going, but then I don't follow up or something happens and I don't reconfigure new factors into the equation, but I'm getting better at re-evaluating and getting back on track.
3. My organizational skills are improving by leaps and bounds.  I can really tell a difference with the coming of this new semester as to how I am getting things into they're place in order to keep chaos at bay.  Granted, by the end of the semester, my system is SHOT to HADES, but it doesn't take it long to get back together and I'm really no worse off for the wear.
4. I'm learning to let go of things that don't matter.  This counts for the silly knick-knacks I have had laying around that I absolutely HATE as well as the thoughts and feelings of my heart that have gotten in the way of being happy.  Getting rid of those heinous items has liberated me and freed me of unnecessary pain.  It has allowed me to make room for the knick-knacks/thoughts/feelings that I actually WANT to have laying around which give me a sense of peace and joy.
5. I've learned to make what time I actually DO have quality time.  This counts for children, friends, homework, or Snake.  Appreciating who I'm with at the time has helped me grow closer to those I love and focus on my relationships (as well as homework).  They all have a time and a place and I have learned to make the most of it.
6. I'm learning that my children are watching me.  This scares the holy BEJEBUS outta me, to be quite honest, but I also believe that the good things they see will stick longer than the bad ones (I'm hoping).  My children have stuck with me and supported me through thick and thin through this.  It's not only me that's going to college, the kids are as well.  They have seen my pain and sorrow as well as my grand achievements.  As low as we have sunk in our home, we have soared just as high.  We have learned that no matter what happens, there is always a solution...and that whatever problem arises, it quickly fades.  It has taught us, as a family to weather and endure life's peaks and valleys.  What lesson in life can be more important then that?

How about that for life lessons?

So...with all that in mind...how could I POSSIBLY quit even though I go out of my mind for 4 months?  How could I POSSIBLY know that if I did quit, lessons such as these would be lost?  For that reason, I continue my journey to higher education.  I will pack my backpack and lunch...eat breakfast while walking out the door...juggle my time between children/books/friends/calling...recite biology while in the shower...write essays while in the emergency room...and multitask the HELL out of myself because I know it's for the greater good...broader perspective...light at the end of the tunnel...yadda...yadda...yadda. 

I hope I remember this at 2:30 in the (blesssed) a.m.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I'm too sexy for my...SELF!

Marriage is a sham.

I want to say that, yet I really don't believe it; however, there is a part of it that I wish would fly away to the moon and never return.  Having been married at the ripe old age of 19 and never had the 'opportunity' of being on my own until my husband's sudden death (sign of the cross), I would have to say that there were/are/will be many challenges that I have had to overcome BY MYSELF/ON MY OWN that were/are/will be very painful to bear, but my whole point is that each and every ONE of those challenges have brought me out of the protective shell that I lived in so long and showed myself that I am capable of doing things without being "saved by a man".  I don't like that term...saved by a man.  It denotes to others that I hate men...that they have no purpose...that they are no good.  On the contrary...I love them.  In fact...I find that in many ways they are kind and helpful...among other things (which is another blog altogether).  There is a reason why men and women are different and I enjoy the differences.  THAT BEING SAID, in my life I have found that they were too easy to hide behind.  To take advantage of their strengths and hide behind my weaknesses.  This made my weaknesses weaker.  My ability to find my voice and use it was certainly hampered in my relationships and when left alone to lead a family, a great fight within myself ensued.

Will the REAL Esther Wilson please stand up?

So the struggle began.  Man Esther vs. Woman Esther was to be the fight of the century.  Man Esther doubted Woman Esther and Woman Esther too easily caved into Man Esther.  Woman Esther tried so desperately to voice her opinion, but "the man" shot her down.  Time after time she would get knocked down only to rise up, shake away the blows, and fight on.  Each time Woman Esther would get up, she'd gain more ground.  She would increase in confidence and find that...wow!...she could be right!  Esther would look in the mirror and each day see a change in herself...a glow...that showed her inner beauty and outer beauty as well.  When she walks, she carries herself with grace and a strong confidence.  She has found that she has a power that has never been made manifest until struggles and tribulations came around.  Not just the struggles of the normal, everyday life...the struggles that are painful.  The type that drive a person down to their knees begging for mercy.  I have cried out to have some struggles lifted...to have a knight in shining armor come and save me from some of the sadness and loneliness of life.  The habit of hiding behind a man seems like the easy solution to some of life's problems and wants to creep back into my life.  I'm getting to the point that I can recognize it and remind myself that it's not what I want and kick it to the curb.  Sometimes I feel like it's putting things in our 'give away' pile I have in the basement.  I decide I don't want it and put it in the pile.  Then I see it again and I think, "Oh!  I remember that I liked that!  I think I want to keep it!".  Then I have it again for a small time and remember why I wanted to get rid of it in the first place and put it back in the pile.

Time to take a trip to Good Will.

Esther has done a lot in the past almost 7 years (but who is counting?).  She has a 2 year degree...attends a 4 year university (top 10 Catholic University in the nation)...has lost 45 lbs. and kept it off for at least 5 years...raised 5 children; 2 of which are in college (yay!)...and has done it herself with the aid of some FANTASTIC, supportive friends.  ...and as in some sick, twisted movie plot...has discovered that there was no "Man Esther" in the first place.  Esther had been fighting herself all along.