Progress...

...is a dish best served cold.

Wait...I think that's 'revenge'. 

Progress feels 'cold' sometimes, though...and revenge can LEAD to progress as a motivator. 

I KNEW there was a connection.

Progress and I have a love/hate relationship.  I LOVE to see progress and progress LOVES to push me beyond my limits...which I HATE.  Although I've been told I love a challenge...there is that part of me that faces it with dread.  It might be because I'm not in my 'comfort zone' and anything else feels 'icky'.  I will, however, admit that when a challenge sets in I do dig my heels in and really work hard to make it happen.

...and usually it does.

So why don't I have more confidence that I can overcome a challenge?  I don't know...except that I fight against myself for some reason.  Maybe I'm afraid to succeed...or afraid that I'll finally find a point where I won't/can't make it happen and I will fail.  Not sure...jury is still out on that one.  Let's just say that I do know that I fight myself and leave it at that.

...and the winner is...

The answer is a little tricky because to say that I win either way is false.  I don't win when I decide not to try, yet the part of me that says she doesn't want to try does a little happy dance when I cave.  Let's sum things up...I won when I decided to work on losing weight.  I won when I decided to take those stupid entrance exams at the local community college.  I won when I got my associate's degree (in the mail, mind you, but I still earned it!).  I won when I, single-handedly, applied and got accepted into the University of Dayton (one of the top 10 Catholic university in the nation), I won when I completed my first year at said 4 year university.  All of this while keeping weight off and raising 5 kids.

Winning.

So, when I say that progress is a dish best served cold, I guess it means that progress takes time and if you think you are going to eat a bowl of piping hot progress...think again.  Once in a while you are able to take a bite of it warm and savor the taste...and it makes you want more.  But you'll find that, like some foods, progress is better cold.

Like ice cream.

Capabilities...

...are over rated.

Do we really want to know what we're capable of?  This is what happens when we push ourselves to that limit and succeed...we have to work harder to be better.

Key words: work harder.

I found this out on my morning runs.  When I first began, I couldn't get all around the park without stopping.  After a run or two...I finally got all around the park and farther without stopping.  This could only mean one thing...

...I had to run longer to get better

You'd think I'd be OK with this since I'm all about self-improvement and working yourself into being a better whatever you are.  I guess I was hoping that once I reached a goal, then everything else would just fall into place.

Boy, was I wrong!

Once you break through something difficult and move on to the 'other side', the work becomes harder and you have to be more diligent and want it more than you did before.  You also see that you did that tough thing...you must be able to do tougher things then...and you push the limits more.  Perhaps this drive makes up for the extra work you have to do.  I don't know...I haven't really looked into that, but it makes sense. 

Is there some sort of physics lesson here?...work makes more work.

Anyhow, once you think you're done, you're not.  Stop that thought in its track and remember that its never done.  I'm trying to look at it in a positive light, but I have a Nyquil (registered trademark) hangover from last night and it's not working well for me. Besides the fact that I've realized recently that I'm really, REALLY capable in so many ways.

Dammit.

Death and Taxes...

...you can't run from either.

This is coming from a pro on both subjects.

I just got back from talking to the tax people about paying my property taxes.  She printed my papers and calculated how much I would owe over the course of the next few years. 

Her ink was red...how ironic.

My favorite line of the conversation was, "So...does that look like a figure you can come up with?"

Yeah...if I choose the right CORNER!

It amazes me how calm I am.  I really didn't get angry...I haven't cried (yet)...and I (probably) won't take it out on my kids.  It just dawned on me that I haven't blamed my dead husband yet!  That really seems blasphemous, but it's the first on my list when anything bad/hard/hateful happens in my life...I blame the dead husband.  It makes me mad that he got out of taxes by way of dying.  Really?  Come ON!  That's taking the EASY way out! 

But I'm not bitter.

So...I can say honestly that I've faced both death and taxes HEAD ON.  I can honestly say that I do not like either one of them, but they can be worked with and worked around and worked through...and when July 20th comes around and I hand over that large sum of money that the taxman requires that I pay, I will smile and thank the woman for her help.

Then go take a shot of Nyquil.

The Science/Art of Sacrifice...

...in a paragraph of 365 words or more.

I know, this should be interesting.

So I was jogging in the park one day and it dawned on me...I was doing something I hated (running) for the greater good (fat loss).

And I wasn't sure it was worth it.

My mind was drawn to sacrifice and how the art/science of it was lost in people these days.  Society teaches the quick fix...the easy way out/in...the "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" mentality (Thank you, Janet Jackson, for putting into song).  If we're not going to get something tangible out of something...and get it quick...we're not going to do it nor SHOULD we do it because things should come a little easier.

That's what SHE said.

So, as I was running and thinking about how I HATED to run and how runners always have that look of pain on their faces as they pound the pavement, I was also thinking that with sacrificing you have to give up something that is important and valuable (for me, it was NOT to run)...and the benefits will outweigh what you put into it (lean physique in order to turn down Playboy).  That's the science of it.  Easy enough, right?

The art of it is a little more difficult.

In my humble opinion, the ART of sacrifice is the application.  The art of sacrifice is molding and sculpting what you want to sacrifice into everyday life in order to get the desired results.  It's the trial and error of it all.  It's the guts and glory of determination and discipline...knowing what works and if it doesn't, scrap it and try something new.  It's the giving up ___(fill-in-the-blank)___ until it hurts and then some.  It's the NOT giving up and giving into those inner voices that tell you to stop because you can't do it.  It's the training to listen to that inner voice and the confidence to apply what you feel and think you should do even when others around you are scratching their heads wondering what the hell you are doing or why you are doing it.

Most of the time I am the one that gets in the way of myself...

Using your inner intuition and mastering sacrifice is when you really see results. Allowing yourself to mess up once in a while and changing your mindset is part of the process. It is a process...and it takes time...but it is worth it, whatever it is.  From losing weight or going to school or finishing that project that you've been working on for the longest time...nothing worth while ever came easily.

...and so I run...

Man and the Modern Woman...

That would make a great book title if it isn't already.

My dishwasher isn't working, so I've been washing my dishes the "old-fashioned" way...by hand.  I actually don't mind it, really...although it has given me some time to think...

...and that's dangerous.

I can be totally honest about a great deal of my flaws and one of them is that I tend to generalize.  This isn't a good thing, really, because you can't just place a set of characteristics on, say, gender, to cover that one gender.  Why do I pick out gender?  Easy.

Because I'm sexist.

Not in the "all-men-are-pigs" way, but in the "all-men-_(fill-in-the-blank)_" way.  Maybe this wouldn't be considered to be sexist to some, but I do just because it's using an essentialist type of thinking toward men...that men are a certain way and women are a certain way...and that is how it is.

I'm trying to reform.

Anyhow...as I was washing the dishes, in my angry mood, and I caught myself thinking about the men I've dated...as I sometimes do...and I was trying to lump them all (4 of them) in the same category, which was unfair, but I couldn't help but wonder what it is about me that seems to repel or scare or ward or deter myself from any type of relationship.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself nor do I feel as if I have to 'change' for someone...if that's the case, I WILL end up being alone for the rest of my life because that WILL NOT happen.  I like who I am and who I am aiming to be.  What I'm saying, is that I wonder what type of guy would be attracted to a woman like me...a modern woman...who would rather bring home the bacon than fry it up in a pan.  A soft, sensitive type...who does windows and would stay home with the kids?  A "go...get 'em" type that would need to keep up with me?  A laid back kind who could even me out? 

Whoever it is...I'm not sure that he's ready.  I'm quite a handful.

Inspiration...

...is sometimes over-rated.

I say that because I have noticed that I have not had any in a while.

(_______________<------inappropriate comment here)

But what I HAVE noticed is that, over time, things are coming together anyway.  That change doesn't happen with that sudden burst of genius, but great and lasting change happens over time.  It happens with small and simple changes in the way you think and the way you react to circumstances.  Sometimes you have these monumental things that happen in life which requires cataclysmic (I know, big word!) changes in how you do things or how you think...but mostly, the changes take place in the everyday instances which require stupid patience.

I'm not a patient person.

I like to be doing things to make things better, so when you tell me it's rest time or to wait...

STEP BACK or DUCK.

'Cause I really don't want to hear it.

I like to have things the way I want them...and I want things done fast...and I want them done yesterday.  It doesn't mean that's a bad thing...I don't think.  If I didn't have this flaw irritating wonderful part of my persona, I don't think I would have gotten this far with school or with raising kids on my own or anything else I've accomplished. 

Someone make it stop!

Don't get me wrong...I think there were/are many times I feel inspired, but I don't believe that inspiration alone will get the job done.  It takes hard work and dedication.

You can quote me on that when I turn down Playboy.