I'm too sexy for my...SELF!

Marriage is a sham.

I want to say that, yet I really don't believe it; however, there is a part of it that I wish would fly away to the moon and never return.  Having been married at the ripe old age of 19 and never had the 'opportunity' of being on my own until my husband's sudden death (sign of the cross), I would have to say that there were/are/will be many challenges that I have had to overcome BY MYSELF/ON MY OWN that were/are/will be very painful to bear, but my whole point is that each and every ONE of those challenges have brought me out of the protective shell that I lived in so long and showed myself that I am capable of doing things without being "saved by a man".  I don't like that term...saved by a man.  It denotes to others that I hate men...that they have no purpose...that they are no good.  On the contrary...I love them.  In fact...I find that in many ways they are kind and helpful...among other things (which is another blog altogether).  There is a reason why men and women are different and I enjoy the differences.  THAT BEING SAID, in my life I have found that they were too easy to hide behind.  To take advantage of their strengths and hide behind my weaknesses.  This made my weaknesses weaker.  My ability to find my voice and use it was certainly hampered in my relationships and when left alone to lead a family, a great fight within myself ensued.

Will the REAL Esther Wilson please stand up?

So the struggle began.  Man Esther vs. Woman Esther was to be the fight of the century.  Man Esther doubted Woman Esther and Woman Esther too easily caved into Man Esther.  Woman Esther tried so desperately to voice her opinion, but "the man" shot her down.  Time after time she would get knocked down only to rise up, shake away the blows, and fight on.  Each time Woman Esther would get up, she'd gain more ground.  She would increase in confidence and find that...wow!...she could be right!  Esther would look in the mirror and each day see a change in herself...a glow...that showed her inner beauty and outer beauty as well.  When she walks, she carries herself with grace and a strong confidence.  She has found that she has a power that has never been made manifest until struggles and tribulations came around.  Not just the struggles of the normal, everyday life...the struggles that are painful.  The type that drive a person down to their knees begging for mercy.  I have cried out to have some struggles lifted...to have a knight in shining armor come and save me from some of the sadness and loneliness of life.  The habit of hiding behind a man seems like the easy solution to some of life's problems and wants to creep back into my life.  I'm getting to the point that I can recognize it and remind myself that it's not what I want and kick it to the curb.  Sometimes I feel like it's putting things in our 'give away' pile I have in the basement.  I decide I don't want it and put it in the pile.  Then I see it again and I think, "Oh!  I remember that I liked that!  I think I want to keep it!".  Then I have it again for a small time and remember why I wanted to get rid of it in the first place and put it back in the pile.

Time to take a trip to Good Will.

Esther has done a lot in the past almost 7 years (but who is counting?).  She has a 2 year degree...attends a 4 year university (top 10 Catholic University in the nation)...has lost 45 lbs. and kept it off for at least 5 years...raised 5 children; 2 of which are in college (yay!)...and has done it herself with the aid of some FANTASTIC, supportive friends.  ...and as in some sick, twisted movie plot...has discovered that there was no "Man Esther" in the first place.  Esther had been fighting herself all along.