School starts tomorrow...
Which, I understand, is for the best; however, there is still some dread. With the schedule I have, there is no margin of error. One minute off, and the whole day falls all over itself trying to catch up. I'll have to wake up...get the kids off to school...workout...go to school...come home...do homework...feed the kids...go to bed. Everything has to go off without a hitch...which is why I'm afraid I'm going to lose what little is left of my mind. My "sanity" is going to be worn very thin.
I need a MONSTER just thinking about it.
Why is something that's so great so difficult? This has been on my mind all day. When I was up at 2-blessed-30 this morning, I questioned why I was doing all of this. Why was I going out of my mind worrying about homework...tests...essays...team projects...commute...packing lunches? Coming home just to have to crash for an hour before I can be a mother to my kids. Having to make sure meals are all set up and laundry is squared away...URGH! I could feel it all pile on me. This is what was going through my mind this morning. As much as I realize that 2:30 in the morning isn't really a time in which you should listen to yourself or take any thought that you might have seriously, I knew there was a part of me that was truly questioning my decision. I have my associates degree...I could very well go get a job at the local gym and make a decent amount of money on top of what we already have and get ahead of the game. Why not just quit and get a job?
That would be the easy way to do things.
For those who know ANYTHING about me or my ancestors, we don't know ANYTHING about the easy way. Johnsons know nothing about the easy way and I think, in a sick and twisted way, we LOVE doing things the hard way. A great many of my ancestors lived a hard life; my father included. He told me that he always went hungry. He related to me about one time in particular, there was a candy bar on the side of the road and he ate it because he was starving. I KNOW! That's totally disgusting, but it proves my point...Johnsons are a rough lot.
Me included.
Then I think of what the "hard road" has done for me personally.
Allow me to list a few things:
1. I've earned an associates degree!! This is one thing which I thought I could/would never do. School took too much time and commitment. Did I mention that Johnsons are impatient? Having to think ahead to when the kids are gone from my home and how I was going to take care of myself and help support them later on was (is) a priority. I set a goal and completed it...that, in itself, is ground-breaking.
2. I've learned how to think ahead, plan, and prepare. I'm not perfect, but I have found that planning ahead sure makes things go a lot easier around here. I'm not stressing NEARLY about things when I put some thought into what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, or next month. It is a good feeling to have everything thought out and planned. I'm not perfect at this. Sometimes I get a great system going, but then I don't follow up or something happens and I don't reconfigure new factors into the equation, but I'm getting better at re-evaluating and getting back on track.
3. My organizational skills are improving by leaps and bounds. I can really tell a difference with the coming of this new semester as to how I am getting things into they're place in order to keep chaos at bay. Granted, by the end of the semester, my system is SHOT to HADES, but it doesn't take it long to get back together and I'm really no worse off for the wear.
4. I'm learning to let go of things that don't matter. This counts for the silly knick-knacks I have had laying around that I absolutely HATE as well as the thoughts and feelings of my heart that have gotten in the way of being happy. Getting rid of those heinous items has liberated me and freed me of unnecessary pain. It has allowed me to make room for the knick-knacks/thoughts/feelings that I actually WANT to have laying around which give me a sense of peace and joy.
5. I've learned to make what time I actually DO have quality time. This counts for children, friends, homework, or Snake. Appreciating who I'm with at the time has helped me grow closer to those I love and focus on my relationships (as well as homework). They all have a time and a place and I have learned to make the most of it.
6. I'm learning that my children are watching me. This scares the holy BEJEBUS outta me, to be quite honest, but I also believe that the good things they see will stick longer than the bad ones (I'm hoping). My children have stuck with me and supported me through thick and thin through this. It's not only me that's going to college, the kids are as well. They have seen my pain and sorrow as well as my grand achievements. As low as we have sunk in our home, we have soared just as high. We have learned that no matter what happens, there is always a solution...and that whatever problem arises, it quickly fades. It has taught us, as a family to weather and endure life's peaks and valleys. What lesson in life can be more important then that?
How about that for life lessons?
So...with all that in mind...how could I POSSIBLY quit even though I go out of my mind for 4 months? How could I POSSIBLY know that if I did quit, lessons such as these would be lost? For that reason, I continue my journey to higher education. I will pack my backpack and lunch...eat breakfast while walking out the door...juggle my time between children/books/friends/calling...recite biology while in the shower...write essays while in the emergency room...and multitask the HELL out of myself because I know it's for the greater good...broader perspective...light at the end of the tunnel...yadda...yadda...yadda.
I hope I remember this at 2:30 in the (blesssed) a.m.
1 comment:
you are kickin' it in the teeth, although it makes you want to cry "Uncle!" in the process. The truth is that everyone has these feelings about school. You wonder why you're doing it and how it's going to pay off and are you really going to use this and what about those loans...it just is a load and you're at the point in school where it just keeps getting more intense and you ask yourself those questions more frequently.
It IS worth it, but that knowledge really doesn't make it easier to deal with. You're laying the groundwork of a better life for you and for the kids. Staying strong, working through the demons, persevering through the trials will pay off...yes, down the road, but also now. Each time you stick with that hard thing increases your capacity for the next challenge.
It's lifting those mental, emotional and spiritual weights. It always hurts in the process. It wears us out. Some times it's so hard we want to drop the load because the weight is too great. Our muscles shake and burn. We're sore and worn out afterward. But, we're also stronger and each time we pick up those challenges, our capacity has increased.
Thanks for being such a great example to me. I love you, friend.
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