Nights are the worst for me...they always have been. The kids are in bed and it's quiet in the house. I got a lot accomplished today...cleaned some of the house. You know, the part that was really driving me crazy. I never have time to get it all done at once, so I just tackle the worst and it seems to appease the chlorox god. It really didn't take much, but this week has been a real busy week. I've had to take 2 kids to 2 different doctor's appointments, school, and that pretty much sums it up.
I think I'll be able to cry tonight.
That sounds really funny, but it's not. Nights were always a time that my husband and I could catch up...chat...whatever. I always fell asleep in the middle of a conversation. He must have too, because he never complained. I was never lonely when he was around. Even when he was in pain he was fairly decent company...especially toward the end. He never was one for letting his feelings known. Why, I'll never know. Maybe he got hurt once and closed up. He was like that our whole marriage. So when he suggested I pick out a movie that last night, it was a little alarming...especially since it was a so called 'chick flick'...I should have known the higher powers were at hand. Irony played a part in my selection. The movie I chose was "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane. If anyone has seen that movie, they will tell you it's a coming of age movie about a woman who loses everything in a divorce and she buys a home in Tuscany, Italy, away from everyone she knows and loves. She has to reach deep inside herself in order to find out who she really is. I didn't move to Italy, but I can identify with many parts of that movie. Who KNEW that on the eve of his death I would see a flash of my future without even knowing it.
At least Diane Lane is hot.
So, part of her struggle was with her loneliness. A wise woman who gives her plenty of advice and counsel in the show tells her a story about when she was a child and waited around for ladybugs...they never came. So, she falls asleep and when she wakes up she is COVERED with them. The woman tells Diane's character to throw herself into the house she is remodeling and the ladybugs will come when she's not looking. That's a very intriguing concept. In theory I'm sure it would work, but in application...not so much. As we speak, I should be reading biology because I'm behind and I have a quiz tomorrow. Can I ignore the feelings that tug at me at this late hour?...no. I would argue that her story spans MAYBE 2 years...and that's being kind. I've been alone for almost 7 years. 7-2 = in bad shape. It's simple math. Besides...she DOES go out and get some on the side. That...in and of itself...makes the biggest difference in the world. Because of my values and standards, I'm left wanting.
Again...I'm left with the question of...how am I supposed to tackle biology with these intense feelings of sadness...loneliness...frustration...?
Chapter 22: Descent With Modification: A Darwinian View of Life...
God help me, please...
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